How To Win Friends And Influence People

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At a time like that, with the air seething with hatred, Rockefeller

wanted to win the strikers to his way of thinking. And he did it. How?

Here's the story. After weeks spent in making friends, Rockefeller

addressed the representatives of the strikers. This speech, in its

entirety, is a masterpiece. It produced astonishing results. It calmed

the tempestuous waves of hate that threatened to engulf

Rockefeller. It won him a host of admirers. It presented facts in such

a friendly manner that the strikers went back to work without saying

another word about the increase in wages for which they had fought

so violently.

The opening of that remarkable speech follows. Note how it fairly

glows with friendliness. Rockefeller, remember, was talking to men

who, a few days previously, had wanted to hang him by the neck to

a sour apple tree; yet he couldn't have been more gracious, more

friendly if he had addressed a group of medical missionaries. His

speech was radiant with such phrases as I am proud to be here,

having visited in your homes, met many of your wives and children,

we meet here not as strangers, but as friends ... spirit of mutual

friendship, our common interests, it is only by your courtesy that I

am here.

"This is a red-letter day in my life," Rockefeller began. "It is the first

time I have ever had the good fortune to meet the representatives of

the employees of this great company, its officers and

superintendents, together, and I can assure you that I am proud to

be here, and that I shall remember this gathering as long as I live.

Had this meeting been held two weeks ago, I should have stood here

a stranger to most of you, recognizing a few faces. Having had the

opportunity last week of visiting all the camps in the southern coal

field and of talking individually with practically all of the

representatives, except those who were away; having visited in your

homes, met many of your wives and children, we meet here not as

strangers, but as friends, and it is in that spirit of mutual friendship

that I am glad to have this opportunity to discuss with you our

common interests.

"Since this is a meeting of the officers of the company and the

representatives of the employees, it is only by your courtesy that I

am here, for I am not so fortunate as to be either one or the other;

and yet I feel that I am intimately associated with you men, for, in a

sense, I represent both the stockholders and the directors."

Isn't that a superb example of the fine art of making friends out of

enemies?

Suppose Rockefeller had taken a different tack. Suppose he had

argued with those miners and hurled devastating facts in their faces.

Suppose he had told them by his tones and insinuations that they

were wrong Suppose that, by all the rules of logic, he had proved

that they were wrong. What would have happened? More anger

would have been stirred up, more hatred, more revolt.

If a man's heart is rankling with discord and ill feeling toward you,

you can't win him to your way of thinking with all the logic in

Christendom. Scolding parents and domineering bosses and

husbands and nagging wives ought to realize that people don't want

to change their minds. They can't he forced or driven to agree with

you or me. But they may possibly be led to, if we are gentle and

friendly, ever so gentle and ever so friendly.

Lincoln said that, in effect, over a hundred years ago. Here are his

words:

It is an old and true maxim that "a drop of honey catches more flies

than a gallon of gall." So with men, if you would win a man to you

cause, first convince him that you are his sincere friend. Therein is a

drop of honey that catches his heart; which, say what you will, is the

great high road to his reason.

Business executives have learned that it pays to be friendly to

strikers. For example, when 2,500 employees in the White Motor

Company's plant struck for higher wages and a union shop, Robert F.

Black, then president of the company, didn't lose his temper and

condemn and threaten and talk of tryanny and Communists. He

actually praised the strikers. He published an advertisement in the

Cleveland papers, complimenting them on "the peaceful way in

which they laid down their tools." Finding the strike pickets idle, he

bought them a couple of dozen baseball bats and gloves and invited

them to play ball on vacant lots. For those who preferred bowling, he

rented a bowling alley.

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This friendliness on Mr. Black's part did what friendliness always

does: it begot friendliness. So the strikers borrowed brooms, shovels,

and rubbish carts, and began picking up matches, papers, cigarette

stubs, and cigar butts around the factory. Imagine it! Imagine

strikers tidying up the factory grounds while battling for higher

wages and recognition of the union. Such an event had never been

heard of before in the long, tempestuous history of American labor

wars. That strike ended with a compromise settlement within a

week-ended without any ill feeling or rancor.

Daniel Webster, who looked like a god and talked like Jehovah, was

one of the most successful advocates who ever pleaded a case; yet

he ushered in his most powerful arguments with such friendly

remarks as: "It will be for the jury to consider," "This may perhaps

be worth thinking of," " Here are some facts that I trust you will not

lose sight of," or "You, with your knowledge of human nature, will

easily see the significance of these facts." No bulldozing. No highpressure methods. No attempt to force his opinions on others.

Webster used the soft-spoken, quiet, friendly approach, and it helped

to make him famous.

You may never be called upon to settle a strike or address a jury, but

you may want to get your rent reduced. Will the friendly approach

help you then? Let's see.

0. L. Straub, an engineer, wanted to get his rent reduced. And he

knew his landlord was hard-boiled. "I wrote him," Mr. Straub said in

a speech before the class, "notifying him that I was vacating my

apartment as soon as my lease expired. The truth was, I didn't want

to move. I wanted to stay if I could get my rent reduced. But the

situation seemed hopeless. Other tenants had tried - and failed.

Everyone told me that the landlord was extremely difficult to deal

with. But I said to myself, 'I am studying a course in how to deal

with people, so I'll try it on him - and see how it works.'

"He and his secretary came to see me as soon as he got my letter. I

met him at the door with a friendly greeting. I fairly bubbled with

good will and enthusiasm. I didn't begin talking about how high the

rent was. I began talking about how much I liked his apartment

house. Believe me, I was 'hearty in my approbation and lavish in my

praise.' I complimented him on the way he ran the building and told

him I should like so much to stay for another year but I couldn't

afford it.

"He had evidently never had such a reception from a tenant. He

hardly knew what to make of it.

"Then he started to tell me his troubles. Complaining tenants. One

had written him fourteen letters, some of them positively insulting.

Another threatened to break his lease unless the landlord kept the

man on the floor above from snoring. 'What a relief it is,' he said, 'to

have a satisfied tenant like you.' And then, without my even asking

him to do it, he offered to reduce my rent a little. I wanted more, so

I named the figure I could afford to pay, and he accepted without a

word.

"As he was leaving, he turned to me and asked, 'What decorating

can I do for you?'

"If I had tried to get the rent reduced by the methods the other

tenants were using, I am positive I should have met with the same

failure they encountered. It was the friendly, sympathetic,

appreciative approach that won."

Dean Woodcock of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, is the superintendent of

a department of the local electric company. His staff was called upon

to repair some equipment on top of a pole. This type of work had

formerly been performed by a different department and had only

recently been transferred to Woodcock's section Although his people

had been trained in the work, this was the first time they had ever

actually been called upon to do it. Everybody in the organization was

interested in seeing if and how they could handle it. Mr. Woodcock,

several of his subordinate managers, and members of other

departments of the utility went to see the operation. Many cars and

trucks were there, and a number of people were standing around

watching the two lone men on top of the pole.

Glancing around, Woodcock noticed a man up the street getting out

of his car with a camera. He began taking pictures of the scene.

Utility people are extremely conscious of public relations, and

suddenly Woodcock realized what this setup looked like to the man

with the camera - overkill, dozens of people being called out to do a

two-person job. He strolled up the street to the photographer.

"I see you're interested in our operation."

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"Yes, and my mother will be more than interested. She owns stock in

your company. This will be an eye-opener for her. She may even

decide her investment was unwise. I've been telling her for years

there's a lot of waste motion in companies like yours. This proves it.

The newspapers might like these pictures, too."

"It does look like it, doesn't it? I'd think the same thing in your

position. But this is a unique situation, . . ." and Dean Woodcock

went on to explain how this was the first job of this type for his

department and how everybody from executives down was

interested. He assured the man that under normal conditions two

people could handle the job. The photographer put away his camera,

shook Woodcock's hand, and thanked him for taking the time to

explain the situation to him.

Dean Woodcock's friendly approach saved his company much

embarrassment and bad publicity.

Another member of one of our classes, Gerald H. Winn of Littleton,

New Hampshire, reported how by using a friendly approach, he

obtained a very satisfactory settlement on a damage claim.

"Early in the spring," he reported, "before the ground had thawed

from the winter freezing, there was an unusually heavy rainstorm

and the water, which normally would have run off to nearby ditches

and storm drains along the road, took a new course onto a building

lot where I had just built a new home.

"Not being able to run off, the water pressure built up around the

foundation of the house. The water forced itself under the concrete

basement floor, causing it to explode, and the basement filled with

water. This ruined the furnace and the hot-water heater. The cost to

repair this damage was in excess of two thousand dollars. I had no

insurance to cover this type of damage.

"However, I soon found out that the owner of the subdivision had

neglected to put in a storm drain near the house which could have

prevented this problem I made an appointment to see him. During

the twenty-five-mile trip to his office, I carefully reviewed the

situation and, remembering the principles I learned in this course, I

decided that showing my anger would not serve any worthwhile

purpose, When I arrived, I kept very calm and started by talking

about his recent vacation to the West Indies; then, when I felt the

timing was right, I mentioned the 'little' problem of water damage.

He quickly agreed to do his share in helping to correct the problem.

"A few days later he called and said he would pay for the damage

and also put in a storm drain to prevent the same thing from

happening in the future.

"Even though it was the fault of the owner of the subdivision, if I had

not begun in a friendly way, there would have been a great deal of

difficulty in getting him to agree to the total liability."

Years ago, when I was a barefoot boy walking through the woods to

a country school out in northwest Missouri, I read a fable about the

sun and the wind. They quarreled about which was the stronger, and

the wind said, "I'll prove I am. See the old man down there with a

coat? I bet I can get his coat off him quicker than you can."

So the sun went behind a cloud, and the wind blew until it was

almost a tornado, but the harder it blew, the tighter the old man

clutched his coat to him.

Finally, the wind calmed down and gave up, and then the sun came

out from behind the clouds and smiled kindly on the old man.

Presently, he mopped his brow and pulled off his coat. The sun then

told the wind that gentleness and friendliness were always stronger

than fury and force.

The use of gentleness and friendliness is demonstrated day after day

by people who have learned that a drop of honey catches more flies

than a gallon of gall. F. Gale Connor of Lutherville, Maryland, proved

this when he had to take his four-month-old car to the service

department of the car dealer for the third time. He told our class: "It

was apparent that talking to, reasoning with or shouting at the

service manager was not going to lead to a satisfactory resolution of

my problems.

"I walked over to the showroom and asked to see the agency owner,

Mr. White. After a short wait, I was ushered into Mr. White's office. I

introduced myself and explained to him that I had bought my car

from his dealership because of the recommendations of friends who

had had previous dealings with him. I was told that his prices were

very competitive and his service was outstanding. He smiled with

satisfaction as he listened to me. I then explained the problem I was

having with the service department. 'I thought you might want to be

aware of any situation that might tarnish your fine reputation,' I

added. He thanked me for calling this to his attention and assured

me that my problem would be taken care of. Not only did he

personal get involved, but he also lent me his car to use while mine

was being repaired."

Aesop was a Greek slave who lived at the court of Croesus and spun

immortal fables six hundred years before Christ. Yet the truths he

taught about human nature are just as true in Boston and

Birmingham now as they were twenty-six centuries ago in Athens.

The sun can make you take off your coat more quickly than the

wind; and kindliness, the friendly approach and appreciation can

make people change their minds more readily than all the bluster

and storming in the world.

Remember what Lincoln said: "A drop of honey catches more flies

than a gallon of gall."

• Principle 4 - Begin in a friendly way.

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5 - The Secret Of Socrates

In talking with people, don't begin by discussing the things on which

you differ. Begin by emphasizing - and keep on emphasizing - the

things on which you agree. Keep emphasizing, if possible, that you

are both striving for the same end and that your only difference is

one of method and not of purpose.

Get the other person saying "Yes, yes" at the outset. Keep your

opponent, if possible, from saying "No." A "No" response, according

to Professor Overstreet, (*) is a most difficult handicap to overcome.

When you have said "No," all your pride of personality demands that

you remain consistent with yourself. You may later feel that the "No"

was ill-advised; nevertheless, there is your precious pride to

consider! Once having said a thing, you feel you must stick to it.

Hence it is of the very greatest importance that a person be started

in the affirmative direction.

----

Harry A. Overstreet, lnfluencing Humun Behavior (New York:

Norton, 1925).

----

The skillful speaker gets, at the outset, a number of "Yes" responses.

This sets the psychological process of the listeners moving in the

affirmative direction. It is like the movement of a billiard ball. Propel

in one direction, and it takes some force to deflect it; far more force

to send it back in the opposite direction.

The psychological patterns here are quite clear. When a person says

"No" and really means it, he or she is doing far more than saying a

word of two letters. The entire organism - glandular, nervous,

muscular -gathers itself together into a condition of rejection. There

is, usually in minute but sometimes in observable degree, a physical

withdrawal or readiness for withdrawal. The whole neuromuscular

system, in short, sets itself on guard against acceptance. When, to

the contrary, a person says "Yes," none of the withdrawal activities

takes place. The organism is in a forward - moving, accepting, open

attitude. Hence the more "Yeses" we can, at the very outset, induce,

the more likely we are to succeed in capturing the attention for our

ultimate proposal.

It is a very simple technique - this yes response. And yet, how much

it is neglected! It often seems as if people get a sense of their own

importance by antagonizing others at the outset.

Get a student to say "No" at the beginning, or a customer, child,

husband, or wife, and it takes the wisdom and the patience of angels

to transform that bristling negative into an affirmative.

The use of this "yes, yes" technique enabled James Eberson, who

was a teller in the Greenwich Savings Bank, in New York City, to

secure a prospective customer who might otherwise have been lost.

"This man came in to open an account," said Mr. Eberson, "and I

gave him our usual form to fill out. Some of the questions he

answered willingly, but there were others he flatly refused to answer.

"Before I began the study of human relations, I would have told this

prospective depositor that if he refused to give the bank this

information, we should have to refuse to accept this account. I am

ashamed that I have been guilty of doing that very thing in the past.

Naturally, an ultimatum like that made me feel good. I had shown

who was boss, that the bank's rules and regulations couldn't be

flouted. But that sort of attitude certainly didn't give a feeling of

welcome and importance to the man who had walked in to give us

his patronage.

"I resolved this morning to use a little horse sense. I resolved not to

talk about what the bank wanted but about what the customer

wanted. And above all else, I was determined to get him saying 'yes,

yes' from the very start. So I agreed with him. I told him the

information he refused to give was not absolutely necessary.

" 'However,' I said, 'suppose you have money in this bank at your

death. Wouldn't you like to have the bank transfer it to your next of

kin, who is entitled to it according to law?'

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" 'Yes, of course,' he replied.

" 'Don't you think,' I continued, 'that it would be a good idea to give

us the name of your next of kin so that, in the event of your death,

we could carry out your wishes without error or delay?'

"Again he said, 'Yes.'

"The young man's attitude softened and changed when he realized

that we weren't asking for this information for our sake but for his

sake. Before leaving the bank, this young man not only gave me

complete information about himself but he opened, at my

suggestion, a trust account, naming his mother as the beneficiary for

his account, and he had gladly answered all the questions concerning

his mother also.

"I found that by getting him to say 'yes, yes' from the outset, he

forgot the issue at stake and was happy to do all the things I

suggested."

Joseph Allison, a sales representative for Westinghouse Electric

Company, had this story to tell: "There was a man in my territory

that our company was most eager to sell to. My predecessor had

called on him for ten years without selling anything When I took over

the territory, I called steadily for three years without getting an

order. Finally, after thirteen years of calls and sales talk, we sold him

a few motors. If these proved to be all right, an order for several

hundred more would follow. Such was my expectation,

"Right? I knew they would be all right. So when I called three weeks

later, I was in high spirits.

"The chief engineer greeted me with this shocking announcement:

'Allison, I can't buy the remainder of the motors from you.'

" 'Why?' I asked in amazement. 'Why?'

" 'Because your motors are too hot. I can't put my hand on them,'

"I knew it wouldn't do any good to argue. I had tried that sort of

thing too long. So I thought of getting the 'yes, yes' response.

" 'Well, now look, Mr. Smith,' I said. 'I agree with you a hundred

percent; if those motors are running too hot, you ought not to buy

any more of them. You must have motors that won't run any hotter

than standards set by the National Electrical Manufacturers

Association. Isn't that so?'

"He agreed it was. I had gotten my first 'yes.'

" 'The Electrical Manufacturers Association regulations say that a

properly designed motor may have a temperature of 72 degrees

Fahrenheit above room temperature. Is that correct?'

" 'Yes,' he agreed. 'That's quite correct. But your motors are much

hotter.'

"I didn't argue with him. I merely asked: 'How hot is the mill room?'

" 'Oh,' he said, 'about 75 degrees Fahrenheit.'

" 'Well,' I replied, 'if the mill room is 75 degrees and you add 72 to

that, that makes a total of 147 degrees Fahrenheit. Wouldn't you

scald your hand if you held it under a spigot of hot water at a

temperature of 147 degrees Fahrenheit?'

"Again he had to say 'yes.'

" 'Well,' I suggested, 'wouldn't it he a good idea to keep your hands

off those motors?'

" 'Well, I guess you're right,' he admitted. We continued to chat for a

while. Then he called his secretary and lined up approximately

$35,000 worth of business for the ensuing month.

"It took me years and cost me countless thousands of dollars in lost

business before I finally learned that it doesn't pay to argue, that it is

much more profitable and much more interesting to look at things

from the other person's viewpoint and try to get that person saying

'yes, yes.' "

Eddie Snow, who sponsors our courses in Oakland, California, tells

how he became a good customer of a shop because the proprietor

got him to say "yes, yes." Eddie had become interested in bow

hunting and had spent considerable money in purchasing equipment

and supplies from a local bow store. When his brother was visiting

him he wanted to rent a bow for him from this store. The sales clerk

told him they didn't rent bows, so Eddie phoned another bow store.

Eddie described what happened:

"A very pleasant gentleman answered the phone. His response to my

question for a rental was completely different from the other place.

He said he was sorry but they no longer rented bows because they

couldn't afford to do so. He then asked me if I had rented before. I

replied, 'Yes, several years ago.' He reminded me that I probably

paid $25 to $30 for the rental. I said 'yes' again. He then asked if I

was the kind of person who liked to save money. Naturally, I

answered 'yes.' He went on to explain that they had bow sets with all

the necessary equipment on sale for $34.95. I could buy a complete

set for only $4.95 more than I could rent one. He explained that is

why they had discontinued renting them. Did I think that was

reasonable? My 'yes' response led to a purchase of the set, and

when I picked it up I purchased several more items at this shop and

have since become a regular customer."

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Socrates, "the gadfly of Athens," was one of the greatest

philosophers the world has ever known. He did something that only a

handful of men in all history have been able to do: he sharply

changed the whole course of human thought; and now, twenty-four

centuries after his death, he is honored as one of the wisest

persuaders who ever influenced this wrangling world.

His method? Did he tell people they were wrong? Oh, no, not

Socrates. He was far too adroit for that. His whole technique, now

called the "Socratic method," was based upon getting a "yes, yes"

response. He asked questions with which his opponent would have

to agree. He kept on winning one admission after another until he

had an armful of yeses. He kept on asking questions until finally,

almost without realizing it, his opponents found themselves

embracing a conclusion they would have bitterly denied a few

minutes previously.

The next time we are tempted to tell someone he or she is wrong,

let's remember old Socrates and ask a gentle question - a question

that will get the "yes, yes" response.

The Chinese have a proverb pregnant with the age-old wisdom of

the Orient: "He who treads softly goes far."

They have spent five thousand years studying human nature, those

cultured Chinese, and they have garnered a lot of perspicacity: "He

who treads softly goes far."

• Principle 5 - Get the other person saying "yes, yes" immediately.

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6 - The Safety Valve In Handling Complaints

Must people trying to win others to their way of thinking do too

much talking themselves. Let the other people talk themselves out.

They know more about their business and problems than you do. So

ask them questions. Let them tell you a few things.

If you disagree with them you may be tempted to interrupt. But

don't. It is dangerous. They won't pay attention to you while they

still have a lot of ideas of their own crying for expression. So listen

patiently and with an open mind. Be sincere about it. Encourage

them to express their ideas fully.

Does this policy pay in business? Let's see. Here is the story of a

sales representative who was forced to try it.

One of the largest automobile manufacturers in the United States

was negotiating for a year's requirements of upholstery fabrics.

Three important manufacturers had worked up fabrics in sample

bodies. These had all been inspected by the executives of the motor

company, and notice had been sent to each manufacturer saying

that, on a certain day, a representative from each supplier would be

given an opportunity to make a final plea for the contract.

G.B.R., a representative of one manufacturer, arrived in town with a

severe attack of laryngitis. "When it came my turn to meet the

executives in conference," Mr. R---- said as he related the story

before one of my classes, "I had lost my voice. I could hardly

whisper. I was ushered into a room and found myself face to face

with the textile engineer, the purchasing agent, the director of sales

and the president of the company. I stood up and made a valiant

effort to speak, but I couldn't do anything more than squeak.

"They were all seated around a table, so I wrote on a pad of paper:

'Gentlemen, I have lost my voice. I am speechless.'

" 'I'll do the talking for you,' the president said. He did. He exhibited

my samples and praised their good points. A lively discussion arose

about the merits of my goods. And the president, since he was

talking for me, took the position I would have had during the

discussion My sole participation consisted of smiles, nods and a few

gestures.

"As a result of this unique conference, I was awarded the contract,

which called for over half a million yards of upholstery fabrics at an

aggregate value of $1,600,000 -the biggest order I had ever

received.

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"I know I would have lost the contract if I hadn't lost my voice,

because I had the wrong idea about the whole proposition. I

discovered, quite by accident, how richly it sometimes pays to let the

other person do the talking.'

Letting the other person do the talking helps in family situations as

well as in business. Barbara Wilson's relationship with her daughter,

Laurie, was deteriorating rapidly. Laurie, who had been a quiet,

complacent child, had grown into an uncooperative, sometimes

belligerent teenager. Mrs. Wilson lectured her, threatened her and

punished her, but all to no avail.

"One day," Mrs. Wilson told one of our classes, "I just gave up.

Laurie had disobeyed me and had left the house to visit her girl

friend before she had completed her chores. When she returned I

was about to scream at her for the ten-thousandth time, but I just

didn't have the strength to do it. I just looked at her and said sadly,

'Why, Laurie, Why?'

"Laurie noted my condition and in a calm voice asked, 'Do you really

want to know?' I nodded and Laurie told me, first hesitantly, and

then it all flowed out. I had never listened to her. I was always

telling her to do this or that. When she wanted to tell me her

thoughts, feelings, ideas, I interrupted with more orders. I began to

realize that she needed me - not as a bossy mother, but as a

confidante, an outlet for all her confusion about growing up. And all I

had been doing was talking when I should have been listening. I

never heard her.

"From that time on I let her do all the talking she wanted. She tells

me what is on her mind, and our relationship has improved

immeasurably. She is again a cooperative person."

A large advertisement appeared on the financial page of a New York

newspaper calling for a person with unusual ability and experience.

Charles T. Cubellis answered the advertisement, sending his reply to

a box number. A few days later, he was invited by letter to call for an

interview. Before he called, he spent hours in Wall Street finding out

everything possible about the person who had founded the business.

During the interview, he remarked: "I should be mighty proud to be

associated with an organization with a record like yours. I

understand you started twenty-eight years ago with nothing but desk

room and one stenographer. Is that true?"

Almost every successful person likes to reminisce about his early

struggles. This man was no exception. He talked for a long time

about how he had started with $ffice:smarttags" />450 in cash and an original idea. He

told how he had fought against discouragement and battled against

ridicule, working Sundays and holidays, twelve to sixteen hours a

day; how he had finally won against all odds until now the most

important executives on Wall Street were coming to him for

information and guidance. He was proud of such a record. He had a

right to be, and he had a splendid time telling about it. Finally, he

questioned Mr. Cubellis briefly about his experience, then called in

one of his vice presidents and said: "I think this is the person we are

looking for."

Mr. Cubellis had taken the trouble to find out about the

accomplishments of his prospective employer. He showed an interest

in the other person and his problems. He encouraged the other

person to do most of the talking - and made a favorable impression.

Roy G. Bradley of Sacramento, California, had the opposite problem.

He listened as a good prospect for a sales position talked himself into

a job with Bradley's firm, Roy reported:

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"Being a small brokerage firm, we had no fringe benefits, such as

hospitalization, medical insurance and pensions. Every representative

is an independent agent. We don't even provide leads for prospects,

as we cannot advertise for them as our larger competitors do.

"Richard Pryor had the type of experience we wanted for this

position, and he was interviewed first by my assistant, who told him

about all the negatives related to this job. He seemed slightly

discouraged when he came into my office. I mentioned the one

benefit of being associated with my firm, that of being an

independent contractor and therefore virtually being self-employed.

"As he talked about these advantages to me, he talked himself out of

each negative thought he had when he came in for the interview.

Several times it seemed as though he was half talking to himself as

he was thinking through each thought. At times I was tempted to

add to his thoughts; however, as the interview came to a close I felt

he had convinced himself, very much on his own, that he would like

to work for my firm.

"Because I had been a good listener and let Dick do most of the

talking, he was able to weigh both sides fairly in his mind, and he

came to the positive conclusion, which was a challenge he created

for himself. We hired him and he has been an outstanding

representative for our firm,"

Even our friends would much rather talk to us about their

achievements than listen to us boast about ours. ffice:smarttags" />ersonName w:st="on" ProductID="La Rochefoucauld">La RochefoucauldersonName>,

the French philosopher, said: "If you want enemies, excel your

friends; but if you want friends, let your friends excel you."

Why is that true? Because when our friends excel us, they feel

important; but when we excel them, they - or at least some of them

- will feel inferior and envious.

By far the best-liked placement counselor in the Mid-town Personnel

Agency in New York City was Henrietta G ---- It hadn't always been

that way. During the first few months of her association with the

agency, Henrietta didn't have a single friend among her colleagues.

Why? Because every day she would brag about the placements she

had made, the new accounts she had opened, and anything else she

had accomplished.

"I was good at my work and proud of it," Henrietta told one of our

classes. " But instead of my colleagues sharing my triumphs, they

seemed to resent them. I wanted to be liked by these people. I really

wanted them to be my friends. After listening to some of the

suggestions made in this course, I started to talk about myself less

and listen more to my associates. They also had things to boast

about and were more excited about telling me about their

accomplishments than about listening to my boasting. Now, when we

have some time to chat, I ask them to share their joys with me, and

I only mention my achievements when they ask."

• Principle 6 Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.

~~~~~~~

7 - How To Get Cooperation

Don't you have much more faith in ideas that you discover for

yourself than in ideas that are handed to you on a silver platter? If

so, isn't it bad judgment to try to ram your opinions down the

throats of other people? Isn't it wiser to make suggestions - and let

the other person think out the conclusion?

Adolph Seltz of Philadelphia, sales manager in an automobile

showroom and a student in one of my courses, suddenly found

himself confronted with the necessity of injecting enthusiasm into a

discouraged and disorganized group of automobile salespeople.

Calling a sales meeting, he urged his people to tell him exactly what

they expected from him. As they talked, he wrote their ideas on the

blackboard. He then said: "I'll give you all these qualities you expect

from me. Now I want you to tell me what I have a right to expect

from you." The replies came quick and fast: loyalty, honesty,

initiative, optimism, teamwork, eight hours a day of enthusiastic

work, The meeting ended with a new courage, a new inspiration -

one salesperson volunteered to work fourteen hours a day - and Mr.

Seltz reported to me that the increase of sales was phenomenal.

"The people had made a sort of moral bargain with me, " said Mr.

Seltz, "and as long as I lived up to my part in it, they were

determined to live up to theirs. Consulting them about their wishes

and desires was just the shot in the arm they needed."

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No one likes to feel that he or she is being sold some-thing or told to

do a thing. We much prefer to feel that we are buying of our own

accord or acting on our own ideas. We like to be consulted about our

wishes, our wants, our thoughts.

Take the case of Eugene Wesson. He lost countless thousands of

dollars in commissions before he learned this truth. Mr. Wesson sold

sketches for a studio that created designs for stylists and textile

manufacturers. Mr. Wesson had called on one of the leading stylists

in New York once a week, every week for three years. "He never

refused to see me," said Mr. Wesson, "but he never bought. He

always looked over my sketches very carefully and then said: 'No,

Wesson, I guess we don't get together today.' "

After 150 failures, Wesson realized he must be in a mental rut, so he

resolved to devote one evening a week to the study of influencing

human behavior, to help him develop new ideas and generate new

enthusiasm.

He decided on this new approach. With half a dozen unfinished

artists' sketches under his arm, he rushed over to the buyer's office.

"I want you to do me a little favor, if you will," he said. "'Here are

some uncompleted sketches. Won't you please tell me how we could

finish them up in such a way that you could use them?"

The buyer looked at the sketches for a while without uttering a word.

Finally he said: "Leave these with me for a few days, Wesson, and

then come back and see me."

Wesson returned three davs later, got his suggestions, took the

sketches back to the studio and had them finished according to the

buyer's ideas. The result? All accepted.

After that, this buyer ordered scores of other sketches from Wesson,

all drawn according to the buyer's ideas. "I realized why I had failed

for years to sell him," said Mr. Wesson. " I had urged him to buy

what I thought he ought to have. Then I changed my approach

completely. I urged him to give me his ideas. This made him feel

that he was creating the designs. And he was. I didn't have to sell

him. He bought."

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Letting the other person feel that the idea is his or hers not only

works in business and politics, it works in family life as well. Paul M.

Davis of Tulsa, Oklahoma, told his class how he applied this

principle:

"My family and I enjoyed one of the most interesting sightseeing

vacation trips we have ever taken. I had long dreamed of visiting

such historic sites as the Civil War battlefield in Gettysburg,

Independence Hall in Philadelphia, and our nation's capital. Valley

Forge, James-town and the restored colonial village of Williamsburg

were high on the list of things I wanted to see.

"In March my wife, Nancy, mentioned that she had ideas for our

summer vacation which included a tour of the western states, visiting

points of interest in New Mexico, Arizona, California and Nevada. She

had wanted to make this trip for several years. But we couldn't

obviously make both trips.

"Our daughter, Anne, had just completed a course in U.S. history in

junior high school and had become very interested in the events that

had shaped our country's growth. I asked her how she would like to

visit the places she had learned about on our next vacation. She said

she would love to.

"Two evenings later as we sat around the dinner table, Nancy

announced that if we all agreed, the summer's vacation would be to

the eastern states, that it would he a great trip for Anne and thrilling

for all of us. We all concurred."

This same psychology was used by an X-ray manufacturer to sell his

equipment to one of the largest hospitals in Brooklyn This hospital

was building an addition and preparing to equip it with the finest Xray department in America. Dr. L----, who was in charge of the X-ray

department, was overwhelmed with sales representatives, each

caroling the praises of his own company's equipment.

One manufacturer, however, was more skillful. He knew far more

about handling human nature than the others did. He wrote a letter

something like this:

Our factory has recently completed a new line of X-ray equipment.

The first shipment of these machines has just arrived at our office.

They are not perfect. We know that, and we want to improve them.

So we should be deeply obligated to you if you could find time to

look them over and give us your ideas about how they can be made

more serviceable to your profession. Knowing how occupied you are,

I shall be glad to send my car for you at any hour you specify.

"I was surprised to get that letter," Dr. L ---- said as he related the

incident before the class. "I was both surprised and complimented. I

had never had an X-ray manufacturer seeking my advice before. It

made me feel important. I was busy every night that week, but I

canceled a dinner appointment in order to look over the equipment.

The more I studied it, the more I discovered for myself how much I

liked it.

"Nobody had tried to sell it to me. I felt that the idea of buying that

equipment for the hospital was my own. I sold myself on its superior

qualities and ordered it installed."

Ralph Waldo Emerson in his essay "Self-Reliance" stated: "In every

work of genius we recognize our own rejected thoughts; they come

back to us with a certain alienated majesty."

Colonel Edward M. House wielded an enormous influence in national

and international affairs while Woodrow Wilson occupied the White

House. Wilson leaned upon Colonel House for secret counsel and

advice more than he did upon even members of his own cabinet.

What method did the Colonel use in influencing the President?

Fortunately, we know, for House himself revealed it to Arthur D.

Howden Smith, and Smith quoted House in an article in The

Saturday Evening Post.