How To Win Friends And Influence People

帅哥

"The following Sunday at church, after she had reported the resultsfficeffice" />

of her assignment, several women with whom she had been studying

came up to me and said, 'That was the most considerate thing I

have ever heard.' It was then I realized the power of appreciation."

Florenz Ziegfeld, the most spectacular producer who ever dazzled

Broadway, gained his reputation by his subtle ability to "glorify the

American girl." Time after time, he took drab little creatures that no

one ever looked at twice and transformed them on the stage into

glamorous visions of mystery and seduction. Knowing the value of

appreciation and confidence, he made women feel beautiful by the

sheer power of his gallantry and consideration. He was practical: he

raised the salary of chorus girls from thirty dollars a week to as high

as one hundred and seventy-five. And he was also chivalrous; on

opening night at the Follies, he sent telegrams to the stars in the

cast, and he deluged every chorus girl in the show with American

Beauty roses.

I once succumbed to the fad of fasting and went for six days and

nights without eating. It wasn't difficult. I was less hungry at the end

of the sixth day than I was at the end of the second. Yet I know, as

you know, people who would think they had committed a crime if

they let their families or employees go for six days without food; but

they will let them go for six days, and six weeks, and sometimes

sixty years without giving them the hearty appreciation that they

crave almost as much as they crave food.

When Alfred Lunt, one of the great actors of his time, played the

leading role in Reunion in Vienna, he said, "There is nothing I need

so much as nourishment for my self-esteem."

We nourish the bodies of our children and friends and employees,

but how seldom do we nourish their selfesteem? We provide them

with roast beef and potatoes to build energy, but we neglect to give

them kind words of appreciation that would sing in their memories

for years like the music of the morning stars.

Paul Harvey, in one of his radio broadcasts, "The Rest of the Story,"

told how showing sincere appreciation can change a person's life. He

reported that years ago a teacher in Detroit asked Stevie Morris to

help her find a mouse that was lost in the classroom. You see, she

appreciated the fact that nature had given Stevie something no one

else in the room had. Nature had given Stevie a remarkable pair of

ears to compensate for his blind eyes. But this was really the first

time Stevie had been shown appreciation for those talented ears.

Now, years later, he says that this act of appreciation was the

beginning of a new life. You see, from that time on he developed his

gift of hearing and went on to become, under the stage name of

Stevie Wonder, one of the great pop singers and and songwriters of

the seventies.*

* Paul Aurandt, Paul Harvey's The Rest of the Story (New York:

Doubleday, 1977). Edited and compiled by Lynne Harvey. Copyright

(c) by Paulynne, Inc.

Some readers are saying right now as they read these lines: "Oh,

phooey! Flattery! Bear oil! I've tried that stuff. It doesn't work - not

with intelligent people."

Of course flattery seldom works with discerning people. It is shallow,

selfish and insincere. It ought to fail and it usually does. True, some

people are so hungry, so thirsty, for appreciation that they will

swallow anything, just as a starving man will eat grass and

fishworms.

帅哥

Even Queen Victoria was susceptible to flattery. Prime Ministerfficeffice" />

Benjamin Disraeli confessed that he put it on thick in dealing with

the Queen. To use his exact words, he said he "spread it on with a

trowel." But Disraeli was one of the most polished, deft and adroit

men who ever ruled the far-flung British Empire. He was a genius in

his line. What would work for him wouldn't necessarily work for you

and me. In the long run, flattery will do you more harm than good.

Flattery is counterfeit, and like counterfeit money, it will eventually

get you into trouble if you pass it to someone else.

The difference between appreciation and flattery? That is simple.

One is sincere and the other insincere. One comes from the heart

out; the other from the teeth out. One is unselfish; the other selfish.

One is universally admired; the other universally condemned.

I recently saw a bust of Mexican hero General Alvaro Obregon in the

Chapultepec palace in Mexico City. Below the bust are carved these

wise words from General Obregon's philosophy: "Don't be afraid of

enemies who attack you. Be afraid of the friends who flatter you."

No! No! No! I am not suggesting flattery! Far from it. I'm talking

about a new way of life. Let me repeat. I am talking about a new

way of life.

King George V had a set of six maxims displayed on the walls of his

study at Buckingham Palace. One of these maxims said: "Teach me

neither to proffer nor receive cheap praise." That's all flattery is -

cheap praise. I once read a definition of flattery that may be worth

repeating: "Flattery is telling the other person precisely what he

thinks about himself."

"Use what language you will," said Ralph Waldo Emerson, "you can

never say anything but what you are ."

If all we had to do was flatter, everybody would catch on and we

should all be experts in human relations.

When we are not engaged in thinking about some definite problem,

we usually spend about 95 percent of our time thinking about

ourselves. Now, if we stop thinking about ourselves for a while and

begin to think of the other person's good points, we won't have to

resort to flattery so cheap and false that it can be spotted almost

before it is out of the mouth,

One of the most neglected virtues of our daily existence is

appreciation, Somehow, we neglect to praise our son or daughter

when he or she brings home a good report card, and we fail to

encourage our children when they first succeed in baking a cake or

building a birdhouse.

Nothing pleases children more than this kind of parental interest and

approval.

The next time you enjoy filet mignon at the club, send word to the

chef that it was excellently prepared, and when a tired salesperson

shows you unusual courtesy, please mention it.

帅哥

Every minister, lecturer and public speaker knows thefficeffice" />

discouragement of pouring himself or herself out to an audience and

not receiving a single ripple of appreciative comment. What applies

to professionals applies doubly to workers in offices, shops and

factories and our families and friends. In our interpersonal relations

we should never forget that all our associates are human beings and

hunger for appreciation. It is the legal tender that all souls enjoy.

Try leaving a friendly trail of little sparks of gratitude on your daily

trips. You will be surprised how they will set small flames of

friendship that will be rose beacons on your next visit.

Pamela Dunham of New Fairfield, Connecticut, had among her

responsibilities on her job the supervision of a janitor who was doing

a very poor job. The other employees would jeer at him and litter the

hallways to show him what a bad job he was doing. It was so bad,

productive time was being lost in the shop.

Without success, Pam tried various ways to motivate this person.

She noticed that occasionally he did a particularly good piece of

work. She made a point to praise him for it in front of the other

people. Each day the job he did all around got better, and pretty

soon he started doing all his work efficiently. Now he does an

excellent job and other people give him appreciation and recognition.

Honest appreciation got results where criticism and ridicule failed.

Hurting people not only does not change them, it is never called for.

There is an old saying that I have cut out and pasted on my mirror

where I cannot help but see it every day:

I shall pass this way but once; any good, therefore, that I can do or

any kindness that I can show to any human being, let me do it now.

Let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.

Emerson said: "Every man I meet is my superior in some way, In

that, I learn of him."

If that was true of Emerson, isn't it likely to be a thousand times

more true of you and me? Let's cease thinking of our

accomplishments, our wants. Let's try to figure out the other

person's good points. Then forget flattery. Give honest, sincere

appreciation. Be "hearty in your approbation and lavish in your

praise," and people will cherish your words and treasure them and

repeat them over a lifetime - repeat them years after you have

forgotten them.

• Principle 2 Give honest and sincere appreciation.

~~~~~~~

3 - "He Who Can Do This Has The Whole World With Him. He Who

Cannot Walks A Lonely Way"

I often went fishing up in Maine during the summer. Personally I am

very fond of strawberries and cream, but I have found that for some

strange reason, fish prefer worms. So when I went fishing, I didn't

think about what I wanted. I thought about what they wanted. I

didn't bait the hook with strawberries and cream. Rather, I dangled a

worm or a grasshopper in front of the fish and said: "Wouldn't you

like to have that?"

Why not use the same common sense when fishing for people?

That is what Lloyd George, Great Britain's Prime Minister during

World War I, did. When someone asked him how he managed to

stay in power after the other wartime leaders - Wilson, Orlando and

Clemenceau - had been forgotten, he replied that if his staying on

top might be attributed to any one thing, it would be to his having

learned that it was necessary to bait the hook to suit the fish .

Why talk about what we want? That is childish. Absurd. Of course,

you are interested in what you want. You are eternally interested in

it. But no one else is. The rest of us are just like you: we are

interested in what we want.

帅哥

So the only way cm earth to influence other people is to talk aboutfficeffice" />

what they want and show them how to get it.

Remember that tomorrow when you are trying to get somebody to

do something. If, for example, you don't want your children to

smoke, don't preach at them, and don't talk about what you want;

but show them that cigarettes may keep them from making the

basketball team or winning the hundred-yard dash.

This is a good thing to remember regardless of whether you are

dealing with children or calves or chimpanzees. For example: one

day Ralph Waldo Emerson and his son tried to get a calf into the

barn. But they made the common mistake of thinking only of what

they wanted: Emerson pushed and his son pulled. But the calf was

doing just what they were doing; he was thinking only of what he

wanted; so he stiffened his legs and stubbornly refused to leave the

pasture. The Irish housemaid saw their predicament. She couldn't

write essays and books; but, on this occasion at least, she had more

horse sense, or calf sense, than Emerson had. She thought of what

the calf wanted; so she put her maternal finger in the calf's mouth

and let the calf suck her finger as she gently led him into the barn.

Every act you have ever performed since the day you were born was

performed because you wanted something. How about the time you

gave a large contribution to the Red Cross? Yes, that is no exception

to the rule. You gave the Red Cross the donation because you

wanted to lend a helping hand; you wanted to do a beautiful,

unselfish, divine act. " Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the

least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me."

If you hadn't wanted that feeling more than you wanted your money,

you would not have made the contribution. Of course, you might

have made the contribution because you were ashamed to refuse or

because a customer asked you to do it. But one thing is certain. You

made the contribution because you wanted something.

Harry A, Overstreet in his illuminating book Influencing Human

Behavior said; "Action springs out of what we fundamentally desire

... and the best piece of advice which can be given to would-be

persuaders, whether in business, in the home, in the school, in

politics, is: First, arouse in the other person an eager want. He who

can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walks a

lonely way."

帅哥

Andrew Carnegie, the poverty-stricken Scotch lad who started tofficeffice" />

work at two cents an hour and finally gave away $365 million,

learned early in life that the only way to influence people is to talk in

terms of what the other person wants. He attended school only four

years; yet he learned how to handle people.

To illustrate: His sister-in-law was worried sick over her two boys.

They were at Yale, and they were so busy with their own affairs that

they neglected to write home and paid no attention whatever to their

mother's frantic letters.

Then Carnegie offered to wager a hundred dollars that he could get

an answer by return mail, without even asking for it. Someone called

his bet; so he wrote his nephews a chatty letter, mentioning casually

in a post-script that he was sending each one a five-dollar bill.

He neglected, however, to enclose the money.

Back came replies by return mail thanking "Dear Uncle Andrew" for

his kind note and-you can finish the sentence yourself.

Another example of persuading comes from Stan Novak of Cleveland,

Ohio, a participant in our course. Stan came home from work one

evening to find his youngest son, Tim, kicking and screaming on the

living room floor. He was to start kindergarten the next day and was

protesting that he would not go. Stan's normal reaction would have

been to banish the child to his room and tell him he'd just better

make up his mind to go. He had no choice. But tonight, recognizing

that this would not really help Tim start kindergarten in the best

frame of mind, Stan sat down and thought, "If I were Tim, why

would I be excited about going to kindergarten?" He and his wife

made a list of all the fun things Tim would do such as finger painting,

singing songs, making new friends. Then they put them into action.

"We all started finger-painting on the kitchen table-my wife, Lil, my

other son Bob, and myself, all having fun. Soon Tim was peeping

around the corner. Next he was begging to participate. 'Oh, no! You

have to go to kindergarten first to learn how to finger-paint.' With all

the enthusiasm I could muster I went through the list talking in

terms he could understand-telling him all the fun he would have in

kindergarten. The next morning, I thought I was the first one up. I

went downstairs and found Tim sitting sound asleep in the living

room chair. 'What are you doing here?' I asked. 'I'm waiting to go to

kindergarten. I don't want to be late.' The enthusiasm of our entire

family had aroused in Tim an eager want that no amount of

discussion or threat could have possibly accomplished."

Tomorrow you may want to persuade somebody to do something.

Before you speak, pause and ask yourself: "How can I make this

person want to do it?"

That question will stop us from rushing into a situation heedlessly,

with futile chatter about our desires.

At one time I rented the grand ballroom of a certain New York hotel

for twenty nights in each season in order to hold a series of lectures.

At the beginning of one season, I was suddenly informed that I

should have to pay almost three times as much rent as formerly.

This news reached me after the tickets had been printed and

distributed and all announcements had been made.

Naturally, I didn't want to pay the increase, but what was the use of

talking to the hotel about what I wanted? They were interested only

in what they wanted. So a couple of days later I went to see the

manager.

"I was a bit shocked when I got your letter," I said, "but I don't

blame you at all. If I had been in your position, I should probably

have written a similar letter myself. Your duty as the manager of the

hotel is to make all the profit possible. If you don't do that, you will

be fired and you ought to be fired. Now, let's take a piece of paper

and write down the advantages and the disadvantages that will

accrue to you, if you insist on this increase in rent."

Then I took a letterhead and ran a line through the center and

headed one column "Advantages" and the other column

"Disadvantages."

I wrote down under the head "Advantages" these words: "Ballroom

free." Then I went on to say: "You will have the advantage of having

the ballroom free to rent for dances and conventions. That is a big

advantage, for affairs like that will pay you much more than you can

get for a series of lectures. If I tie your ballroom up for twenty nights

during the course of the season, it is sure to mean a loss of some

very profitable business to you.

帅哥

"Now, let's 'consider the disadvantages. First, instead of increasingfficeffice" />

your income from me, you are going to decrease it. In fact, you are

going to wipe it out because I cannot pay the rent you are asking. I

shall be forced to hold these lectures at some other place.

"There's another disadvantage to you also. These lectures attract

crowds of educated and cultured people to your hotel. That is good

advertising for you, isn't it? In fact, if you spent five thousand dollars

advertising in the newspapers, you couldn't bring as many people to

look at your hotel as I can bring by these lectures. That is worth a lot

to a hotel, isn't it?"

As I talked, I wrote these two "disadvantages" under the proper

heading, and handed the sheet of paper to the manager, saying: "I

wish you would carefully consider both the advantages and

disadvantages that are going to accrue to you and then give me your

final decision."

I received a letter the next day, informing me that my rent would be

increased only 50 percent instead of 300 percent.

Mind you, I got this reduction without saying a word about what I

wanted. I talked all the time about what the other person wanted

and how he could get it.

Suppose I had done the human, natural thing; suppose I had

stormed into his office and said, "What do you mean by raising my

rent three hundred percent when you know the tickets have been

printed and the announcements made? Three hundred percent!

Ridiculous! Absurd! I won't pay it!"

What would have happened then? An argument would have begun

to steam and boil and sputter - and you know how arguments end.

Even if I had convinced him that he was wrong, his pride would have

made it difficult for him to back down and give in.

Here is one of the best bits of advice ever given about the fine art of

human relationships. "If there is any one secret of success," said

Henry Ford, "it lies in the ability to get the other person's point of

view and see things from that person's angle as well as from your

own."

That is so good, I want to repeat it: "If there is any one secret of

success, it lies in the ability to get the other person's point of view

and see things from that person's angle as well as from your own."

That is so simple, so obvious, that anyone ought to see the truth of it

at a glance; yet 90 percent of the people on this earth ignore it 90

percent of the time.

An example? Look at the letters that come across your desk

tomorrow morning, and you will find that most of them violate this

important canon of common sense. Take this one, a letter written by

the head of the radio department of an advertising agency with

offices scattered across the continent. This letter was sent to the

managers of local radio stations throughout the country. (I have set

down, in brackets, my reactions to each paragraph.)

Mr. John Blank, Blankville, Indiana

Dear Mr. Blank: The ------ company desires to retain its position in

advertising agency leadership in the radio field.

[Who cares what your company desires? I am worried about my own

problems. The bank is foreclosing the mortage on my house, the

bugs are destroying the hollyhocks, the stock market tumbled

yesterday. I missed the eight-fifteen this morning, I wasn't invited to

the Jones's dance last night, the doctor tells me I have high blood

pressure and neuritis and dandruff. And then what happens? I come

down to the office this morning worried, open my mail and here is

some little whippersnapper off in New York yapping about what his

company wants. Bah! If he only realized what sort of impression his

letter makes, he would get out of the advertising business and start

manufacturing sheep dip.]

This agency's national advertising accounts were the bulwark of the

network. Our subsequent clearances of station time have kept us at

the top of agencies year after year.

[You are big and rich and right at the top, are you? So what? I don't

give two whoops in Hades if you are as big as General Motors and

General Electric and the General Staff of the U.S. Army all combined.

If you had as much sense as a half-witted hummingbird, you would

realize that I am interested in how big I am - not how big you are.

All this talk about your enormous success makes me feel small and

unimportant.]

帅哥

fficeffice" /> 

What do you mean, "promptly".? Don't you know I am just as busy

as you are - or, at least, I like to think I am. And while we are on the

subject, who gave you the lordly right to order me around? ... You

say it will be "mutually helpful." At last, at last, you have begun to

see my viewpoint. But you are vague about how it will be to my

advantage.]

Very truly yours, John Doe Manager Radio Department

P.S. The enclosed reprint from the Blankville Journal will be of

interest to you, and you may want to broadcast it over your station.

[Finally, down here in the postscript, you mention something that

may help me solve one of my problems. Why didn't you begin your

letter with - but what's the use? Any advertising man who is guilty of

perpetrating such drivel as you have sent me has something wrong

with his medulla oblongata. You don't need a letter giving our latest

doings. What you need is a quart of iodine in your thyroid gland.]

Now, if people who devote their lives to advertising and who pose as

experts in the art of influencing people to buy - if they write a letter

like that, what can we expect from the butcher and baker or the auto

mechanic?

Here is another letter, written by the superintendent of a large

freight terminal to a student of this course, Edward Vermylen. What

effect did this letter have on the man to whom it was addressed?

Read it and then I'll tell you.

A. Zerega's Sons, Inc. 28 Front St. Brooklyn, N.Y. 11201 Attention:

Mr. Edward Vermylen Gentlemen:

The operations at our outbound-rail-receiving station are

handicapped because a material percentage of the total business is

delivered us in the late afternoon. This condition results in

congestion, overtime on the part of our forces, delays to trucks, and

in some cases delays to freight. On November 10, we received from

your company a lot of 510 pieces, which reached here at 4:20 P.M.

We solicit your cooperation toward overcoming the undesirable

effects arising from late receipt of freight. May we ask that, on days

on which you ship the volume which was received on the above

date, effort be made either to get the truck here earlier or to deliver

us part of the freight during the morning?

The advantage that would accrue to you under such an arrangement

would be that of more expeditious discharge of your trucks and the

assurance that your business would go forward on the date of its

receipt.

Very truly yours, J----- B ----- Supt.

After reading this letter, Mr. Vermylen, sales manager for A. Zerega's

Sons, Inc., sent it to me with the following comment:

This letter had the reverse effect from that which was intended. The

letter begins by describing the Terminal's difficulties, in which we are

not interested, generally speaking. Our cooperation is then requested

without any thought as to whether it would inconvenience us, and

then, finally, in the last paragraph, the fact is mentioned that if we

do cooperate it will mean more expeditious discharge of our trucks

with the assurance that our freight will go forward on the date of its

receipt.

In other words, that in which we are most interested is mentioned

last and the whole effect is one of raising a spirit of antagonism

rather than of cooperation.

Let's see if we can't rewrite and improve this letter. Let's not waste

any time talking about our problems. As Henry Ford admonishes,

let's "get the other person's point of view and see things from his or

her angle, as well as from our own."

帅哥

fficeffice" /> 

Here is one way of revising the letter. It may not be the best way,

but isn't it an improvement?

Mr. Edward Vermylen % A. Zerega's Sons, Inc. 28 Front St.

Brooklyn, N.Y. 11201

Dear Mr. Vermylen:

Your company has been one of our good customers for fourteen

years. Naturally, we are very grateful for your patronage and are

eager to give you the speedy, efficient service you deserve.

However, we regret to say that it isn't possible for us to do that

when your trucks bring us a large shipment late in the afternoon, as

they did on November 10. Why? Because many other customers

make late afternoon deliveries also. Naturally, that causes

congestion. That means your trucks are held up unavoidably at the

pier and sometimes even your freight is delayed.

That's bad, but it can be avoided. If you make your deliveries at the

pier in the morning when possible, your trucks will be able to keep

moving, your freight will get immediate attention, and our workers

will get home early at night to enjoy a dinner of the delicious

macaroni and noodles that you manufacture.

Regardless of when your shipments arrive, we shall always cheerfully

do all in our power to serve you promptly. You are busy. Please don't

trouble to answer this note.

Yours truly, J----- B-----, supt.

Barbara Anderson, who worked in a bank in New York, desired to

move to Phoenix, Arizona, because of the health of her son. Using

the principles she had learned in our course, she wrote the following

letter to twelve banks in Phoenix:

Dear Sir:

My ten years of bank experience should be of interest to a rapidly

growing bank like yours.

In various capacities in bank operations with the Bankers Trust

Company in New York, leading to my present assignment as Branch

Manager, I have acquired skills in all phases of banking including

depositor relations, credits, loans and administration.

I will be relocating to Phoenix in May and I am sure I can contribute

to your growth and profit. I will be in Phoenix the week of April 3

and would appreciate the opportunity to show you how I can help

your bank meet its goals.

Sincerely, Barbara L. Anderson

Do you think Mrs. Anderson received any response from that letter?

Eleven of the twelve banks invited her to be interviewed, and she

had a choice of which bank's offer to accept. Why? Mrs. Anderson

did not state what she wanted, but wrote in the letter how she could

help them, and focused on their wants, not her own.

Thousands of salespeople are pounding the pavements today, tired,

discouraged and underpaid. Why? Because they are always thinking

only of what they want. They don't realize that neither you nor I

want to buy anything. If we did, we would go out and buy it. But

both of us are eternally interested in solving our problems. And if

salespeople can show us how their services or merchandise will help

us solve our problems, they won't need to sell us. We'll buy. And

customers like to feel that they are buying - not being sold.

Yet many salespeople spend a lifetime in selling without seeing

things from the customer's angle. For example, for many years I

lived in Forest Hills, a little community of private homes in the center

of Greater New York. One day as I was rushing to the station, I

chanced to meet a real-estate operator who had bought and sold

property in that area for many years. He knew Forest Hills well, so I

hurriedly asked him whether or not my stucco house was built with

metal lath or hollow tile. He said he didn't know and told me what I

already knew - that I could find out by calling the Forest Hills Garden

Association. The following morning, I received a letter from him. Did

he give me the information I wanted? He could have gotten it in

sixty seconds by a telephone call. But he didn't. He told me again

that I could get it by telephoning, and then asked me to let him

handle my insurance.

He was not interested in helping me. He was interested only in

helping himself.

J. Howard Lucas of Birmingham, Alabama, tells how two salespeople

from the same company handled the same type of situation, He

reported:

帅哥

fficeffice" /> 

"Several years ago I was on the management team of a small

company. Headquartered near us was the district office of a large

insurance company. Their agents were assigned territories, and our

company was assigned to two agents, whom I shall refer to as Carl

and John.

"One morning, Carl dropped by our office and casually mentioned

that his company had just introduced a new life insurance policy for

executives and thought we might be interested later on and he

would get back to us when he had more information on it.

"The same day, John saw us on the sidewalk while returning from a

coffee break, and he shouted: 'Hey Luke, hold up, I have some great

news for you fellows.' He hurried over and very excitedly told us

about an executive life insurance policy his company had introduced

that very day. (It was the same policy that Carl had casually

mentioned.) He wanted us to have one of the first issued. He gave

us a few important facts about the coverage and ended saying, 'The

policy is so new, I'm going to have someone from the home office

come out tomorrow and explain it. Now, in the meantime, let's get

the applications signed and on the way so he can have more

information to work with.' His enthusiasm aroused in us an eager

want for this policy even though we still did not have details, When

they were made available to us, they confirmed John's initial

understanding of the policy, and he not only sold each of us a policy,

but later doubled our coverage.

"Carl could have had those sales, but he made no effort to arouse in

us any desire for the policies."

The world is full of people who are grabbing and self-seeking. So the

rare individual who unselfishly tries to serve others has an enormous

advantage. He has little competition. Owen D. Young, a noted lawyer

and one of America's great business leaders, once said: "People who

can put themselves in the place of other people who can understand

the workings of their minds, need never worry about what the future

has in store for them."

If out of reading this book you get just one thing - an increased

tendency to think always in terms of other people's point of view,

and see things from their angle - if you get that one thing out of this

book, it may easily prove to be one of the building blocks of your

career.

Looking at the other person's point of view and arousing in him an

eager want for something is not to be construed as manipulating

that person so that he will do something that is only for your benefit

and his detriment. Each party should gain from the negotiation. In

the letters to Mr. Vermylen, both the sender and the receiver of the

correspondence gained by implementing what was suggested. Both

the bank and Mrs. Anderson won by her letter in that the bank

obtained a valuable employee and Mrs. Anderson a suitable job. And

in the example of John's sale of insurance to Mr. Lucas, both gained

through this transaction.

Another example in which everybody gains through this principle of

arousing an eager want comes from Michael E. Whidden of Warwick,

Rhode Island, who is a territory salesman for the Shell Oil Company.

Mike wanted to become the Number One salesperson in his district,

but one service station was holding him back. It was run by an older

man who could not be motivated to clean up his station. It was in

such poor shape that sales were declining significantly.

This manager would not listen to any of Mike's pleas to upgrade the

station. After many exhortations and heart-to-heart talks - all of

which had no impact - Mike decided to invite the manager to visit the

newest Shell station in his territory.

帅哥

fficeffice" /> 

The manager was so impressed by the facilities at the new station

that when Mike visited him the next time, his station was cleaned up

and had recorded a sales increase. This enabled Mike to reach the

Number One spot in his district. All his talking and discussion hadn't

helped, but by arousing an eager want in the manager, by showing

him the modern station, he had accomplished his goal, and both the

manager and Mike benefited.

Most people go through college and learn to read Virgil and master

the mysteries of calculus without ever discovering how their own

minds function. For instance: I once gave a course in Effective

Speaking for the young college graduates who were entering the

employ of the Carrier Corporation, the large air-conditioner

manufacturer. One of the participants wanted to persuade the others

to play basketball in their free time, and this is about what he said:

"I want you to come out and play basketball. I like to play basketball,

but the last few times I've been to the gymnasium there haven't

been enough people to get up a game. Two or three of us got to

throwing the ball around the other night - and I got a black eye. I

wish all of you would come down tomorrow night. I want to play

basketball."

Did he talk about anything you want? You don't want to go to a

gymnasium that no one else goes to, do you? You don't care about

what he wants. You don't want to get a black eye.

Could he have shown you how to get the things you want by using

the gymnasium? Surely. More pep. Keener edge to the appetite.

Clearer brain. Fun. Games. Basketball.

To repeat Professor Overstreet's wise advice: First, arouse in the

other person an eager want He who can do this has the whole world

with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way.

One of the students in the author's training course was worried

about his little boy. The child was underweight and refused to eat

properly. His parents used the usual method. They scolded and

nagged. "Mother wants you to eat this and that." "Father wants you

to grow up to be a big man."

Did the boy pay any attention to these pleas? Just about as much as

you pay to one fleck of sand on a sandy beach.

No one with a trace of horse sense would expect a child three years

old to react to the viewpoint of a father thirty years old. Yet that was

precisely what that father had expected. It was absurd. He finally

saw that. So he said to himself: "What does that boy want? How can

I tie up what I want to what he wants?"

It was easy for the father when he starting thinking about it. His boy

had a tricycle that he loved to ride up and down the sidewalk in front

of the house in Brooklyn. A few doors down the street lived a bully -

a bigger boy who would pull the little boy off his tricycle and ride it

himself.

Naturally, the little boy would run screaming to his mother, and she

would have to come out and take the bully off the tricycle and put

her little boy on again, This happened almost every day.

What did the little boy want? It didn't take a Sherlock Holmes to

answer that one. His pride, his anger, his desire for a feeling of

importance - all the strongest emotions in his makeup - goaded him

to get revenge, to smash the bully in the nose. And when his father

explained that the boy would be able to wallop the daylights out of

the bigger kid someday if he would only eat the things his mother

wanted him to eat - when his father promised him that - there was

no longer any problem of dietetics. That boy would have eaten

spinach, sauerkraut, salt mackerel - anything in order to be big

enough to whip the bully who had humiliated him so often.

After solving that problem, the parents tackled another: the little boy

had the unholy habit of wetting his bed.

He slept with his grandmother. In the morning, his grandmother

would wake up and feel the sheet and say: "Look, Johnny, what you

did again last night."