How To Win Friends And Influence People

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Edward E. Harriman of Hagerstown, Maryland, chose to live in the

beautiful Cumberland Valley of Maryland after he completed his

military service. Unfortunately, at that time there were few jobs

available in the area. A little research uncovered the fact that a

number of companies in the area were either owned or controlled by

an unusual business maverick, R. J. Funkhouser, whose rise from

poverty to riches intrigued Mr. Harriman. However, he was known for

being inaccessible to job seekers. Mr. Harriman wrote:

"I interviewed a number of people and found that his major interest

was anchored in his drive for power and money. Since he protected

himself from people like me by use of a dedicated and stern

secretary, I studied her interests and goals and only then I paid an

unannounced visit at her office. She had been Mr. Funkhouser's

orbiting satellite for about fifteen years. When I told her I had a

proposition for him which might translate itself into financial and

political success for him, she became enthused. I also conversed

with her about her constructive participation in his success. After this

conversation she arranged for me to meet Mr. Funkhouser.

"I entered his huge and impressive office determined not to ask

directly for a job. He was seated behind a large carved desk and

thundered at me, 'How about it, young man?' I said, 'Mr.

Funkhouser, I believe I can make money for you.' He immediately

rose and invited me to sit in one of the large upholstered chairs. I

enumerated my ideas and the qualifications I had to realize these

ideas, as well as how they would contribute to his personal success

and that of his businesses.

" 'R. J.,' as he became known to me, hired me at once and for over

twenty years I have grown in his enterprises and we both have

prospered."

Talking in terms of the other person's interests pays off for both

parties. Howard Z. Herzig, a leader in the field of employee

communications, has always followed this principle. When asked

what reward he got from it, Mr. Herzig responded that he not only

received a different reward from each person but that in general the

reward had been an enlargement of his life each time he spoke to

someone.

• Principle 5 - Talk in terms of the other person's interests.

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6 - How To Make People Like You Instantly

I was waiting in line to register a letter in the post office at Thirtythird Street and Eighth Avenue in New York. I noticed that the clerk

appeared to be bored with the job -weighing envelopes, handing out

stamps, making change, issuing receipts - the same monotonous

grind year after year. So I said to myself: "I am going to try to make

that clerk like me. Obviously, to make him like me, I must say

something nice, not about myself, but about him. So I asked myself,

'What is there about him that I can honestly admire?' " That is

sometimes a hard question to answer, especially with strangers; but,

in this case, it happened to be easy. I instantly saw something I

admired no end.

So while he was weighing my envelope, I remarked with enthusiasm:

"I certainly wish I had your head of hair."

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He looked up, half-startled, his face beaming with smiles. "Well, it

isn't as good as it used to be," he said modestly. I assured him that

although it might have lost some of its pristine glory, nevertheless it

was still magnificent. He was immensely pleased. We carried on a

pleasant little conversation and the last thing he said to me was:

"Many people have admired my hair."

I'll bet that person went out to lunch that day walking on air. I'll bet

he went home that night and told his wife about it. I'll bet he looked

in the mirror and said: "It is a beautiful head of hair."

I told this story once in public and a man asked me afterwards:

"'What did you want to get out of him?"

What was I trying to get out of him!!! What was I trying to get out of

him!!!

If we are so contemptibly selfish that we can't radiate a little

happiness and pass on a bit of honest appreciation without trying to

get something out of the other person in return - if our souls are no

bigger than sour crab apples, we shall meet with the failure we so

richly deserve. Oh yes, I did want something out of that chap. I

wanted something priceless. And I got it. I got the feeling that I had

done something for him without his being able to do anything

whatever in return for me. That is a feeling that flows and sings in

your memory lung after the incident is past.

There is one all-important law of human conduct. If we obey that

law, we shall almost never get into trouble. In fact, that law, if

obeyed, will bring us countless friends and constant happiness. But

the very instant we break the law, we shall get into endless trouble.

The law is this: Always make the other person feel important. John

Dewey, as we have already noted, said that the desire to be

important is the deepest urge in human nature; and William James

said: "The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be

appreciated." As I have already pointed out, it is this urge that

differentiates us from the animals. It is this urge that has been

responsible for civilization itself.

Philosophers have been speculating on the rules of human

relationships for thousands of years, and out of all that speculation,

there has evolved only one important precept. It is not new. It is as

old as history. Zoroaster taught it to his followers in Persia twentyfive hundred years ago. Confucius preached it in China twenty-four

centuries ago. Lao-tse, the founder of Taoism, taught it to his

disciples in the Valley of the Han. Buddha preached it on the bank of

the Holy Ganges five hundred years before Christ. The sacred books

of Hinduism taught it a thousand years before that. Jesus taught it

among the stony hills of Judea nineteen centuries ago. Jesus

summed it up in one thought -probably the most important rule in

the world: "Do unto others as you would have others do unto you."

You want the approval of those with whom you come in contact. You

want recognition of your true worth. You want a feeling that you are

important in your little world. You don't want to listen to cheap,

insincere flattery, but you do crave sincere appreciation. You want

your friends and associates to be, as Charles Schwab put it, "hearty

in their approbation and lavish in their praise." All of us want that.

So let's obey the Golden Rule, and give unto others what we would

have others give unto us, How? When? Where? The answer is: All

the time, everywhere.

David G. Smith of Eau Claire, Wisconsin, told one of our classes how

he handled a delicate situation when he was asked to take charge of

the refreshment booth at a charity concert,

"The night of the concert I arrived at the park and found two elderly

ladies in a very bad humor standing next to the refreshment stand.

Apparently each thought that she was in charge of this project. As I

stood there pondering what to do, me of the members of the

sponsoring committee appeared and handed me a cash box and

thanked me for taking over the project. She introduced Rose and

Jane as my helpers and then ran off.

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"A great silence ensued. Realizing that the cash box was a symbol of

authority (of sorts), I gave the box to Rose and explained that I

might not be able to keep the money straight and that if she took

care of it I would feel better. I then suggested to Jane that she show

two teenagers who had been assigned to refreshments how to

operate the soda machine, and I asked her to be responsible for that

part of the project.

"The evening was very enjoyable with Rose happily counting the

money, Jane supervising the teenagers, and me enjoying the

concert."

You don't have to wait until you are ambassador to France or

chairman of the Clambake Committee of your lodge before you use

this philosophy of appreciation. You can work magic with it almost

every day.

If, for example, the waitress brings us mashed potatoes when we

have ordered French fried, let's say: "I'm sorry to trouble you, but I

prefer French fried." She'll probably reply, "No trouble at all" and will

be glad to change the potatoes, because we have shown respect for

her.

Little phrases such as "I'm sorry to trouble you," "Would you be so

kind as to ----? " "Won't you please?" " Would you mind?" "Thank

you" - little courtesies like these oil the cogs of the monotonous

grind of everyday life- and, incidentally, they are the hallmark of

good breeding.

Let's take another illustration. Hall Caine's novels-The Christian, The

Deemster, The Manxman, among them - were all best-sellers in the

early part of this century. Millions of people read his novels,

countless millions. He was the son of a blacksmith. He never had

more than eight years' schooling in his life; yet when he died he was

the richest literary man of his time.

The story goes like this: Hall Caine loved sonnets and ballads; so he

devoured all of Dante Gabriel Rossetti's poetry. He even wrote a

lecture chanting the praises of Rossetti's artistic achievement-and

sent a copy to Rossetti himself. Rossetti was delighted. "Any young

man who has such an exalted opinion of my ability," Rossetti

probably said to himself, "must be brilliant," So Rossetti invited this

blacksmith's son to come to London and act as his secretary. That

was the turning point in Hall Caine's life; for, in his new position, he

met the literary artists of the day. Profiting by their advice and

inspired by their encouragement, he launched upon a career that

emblazoned his name across the sky.

His home, Greeba Castle, on the Isle of Man, became a Mecca for

tourists from the far corners of the world, and he left a multimillion

dollar estate. Yet - who knows - he might have died poor and

unknown had he not written an essay expressing his admiration for a

famous man.

Such is the power, the stupendous power, of sincere, heartfelt

appreciation.

Rossetti considered himself important. That is not strange, Almost

everyone considers himself important, very important.

The life of many a person could probably be changed if only

someone would make him feel important. Ronald J. Rowland, who is

one of the instructors of our course in California, is also a teacher of

arts and crafts. He wrote to us about a student named Chris in his

beginning crafts class:

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Chris was a very quiet, shy boy lacking in self-confidence, the kind of

student that often does not receive the attention he deserves. I also

teach an advanced class that had grown to be somewhat of a status

symbol and a privilege for a student to have earned the right to be in

it. On Wednesday, Chris was diligently working at his desk. I really

felt there was a hidden fire deep inside him. I asked Chris if he

would like to be in the advanced class. How I wish I could express

the look in Chris's face, the emotions in that shy fourteen-year-old

boy, trying to hold back his tears.

"Who me, Mr. Rowland? Am I good enough?"

"Yes, Chris, you are good enough."

I had to leave at that point because tears were coming to my eyes.

As Chris walked out of class that day, seemingly two inches taller, he

looked at me with bright blue eyes and said in a positive voice,

"Thank you, Mr. Rowland."

Chris taught me a lesson I will never forget-our deep desire to feel

important. To help me never forget this rule, I made a sign which

reads "YOU ARE IMPORTANT." This sign hangs in the front of the

classroom for all to see and to remind me that each student I face is

equally important.

The unvarnished truth is that almost all the people you meet feel

themselves superior to you in some way, and a sure way to their

hearts is to let them realize in some subtle way that you recognize

their importance, and recognize it sincerely.

Remember what Emerson said: "Every man I meet is my superior in

some way. In that, I learn of him."

And the pathetic part of it is that frequently those who have the least

justification for a feeling of achievement bolster up their egos by a

show of tumult and conceit which is truly nauseating. As

Shakespeare put it: "... man, proud man,/Drest in a little brief

authority,/ ... Plays such fantastic tricks before high heaven/As make

the angels weep."

I am going to tell you how business people in my own courses have

applied these principles with remarkable results. Let's take the case

of a Connecticut attorney (because of his relatives he prefers not to

have his name mentioned).

Shortly after joining the course, Mr. R----- drove to Long Island with

his wife to visit some of her relatives. She left him to chat with an old

aunt of hers and ther rushed off by herself to visit some of the

younger relatives. Since he soon had to give a speech professionally

on how he applied the principles of appreciation, he thought he

would gain some worthwhile experience talking with the-elderly lady.

So he looked around the house to see what he could honestly

admire.

"This house was built about 1890, wasn't it?" he inquired.

"Yes," she replied, "that is precisely the year it was built."

"It reminds me of the house I was born in," he said. "It's beautiful.

Well built. Roomy. You know, they don't build houses like this

anymore."

"You're right," the old lady agreed. "The young folks nowadays don't

care for beautiful homes. All they want is a small apartment, and

then they go off gadding about in their automobiles.

"This is a dream house," she said in a voice vibrating with tender

memories. "This house was built with love. My husband and I

dreamed about it for years before we built it. We didn't have an

architect. We planned it all ourselves."

She showed Mr. R----- about the house, and he expressed his hearty

admiration for the beautiful treasures she had picked up in her

travels and cherished over a lifetime - paisley shawls, an old English

tea set, Wedgwood china, French beds and chairs, Italian paintings,

and silk draperies that had once hung in a French chateau.

After showing Mr. R----- through the house, she took him out to the

garage. There, jacked up on blocks, was a Packard car - in mint

condition.

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"My husband bought that car for me shortly before he passed on,"

she said softly. "I have never ridden in it since his death. ... You

appreciate nice things, and I'm going to give this car to you."

"Why, aunty," he said, "you overwhelm me. I appreciate your

generosity, of course; but I couldn't possibly accept it. I'm not even

a relative of yours. I have a new car, and you have many relatives

that would like to have that Packard."

"Relatives!" she exclaimed. "Yes, I have relatives who are just

waiting till I die so they can get that car. But they are not going to

get it."

"If you don't want to give it to them, you can very easily sell it to a

secondhand dealer," he told her.

"Sell it!" she cried. "Do you think I would sell this car? Do you think I

could stand to see strangers riding up and down the street in that

car - that car that my husband bought for me? I wouldn't dream of

selling it. I'm going to give it to you. You appreciate beautiful

things."

He tried to get out of accepting the car, but he couldn't without

hurting her feelings.

This lady, left all alone in a big house with her paisley shawls, her

French antiques, and her memories, was starving for a little

recognition, She had once been young and beautiful and sought

after She had once built a house warm with love and had collected

things from all over Europe to make it beautiful. Now, in the isolated

loneliness of old age, she craved a little human warmth, a little

genuine appreciation - and no one gave it to her. And when she

found it, like a spring in the desert, her gratitude couldn't adequately

express itself with anything less than the gift of her cherished

Packard.

Let's take another case: Donald M. McMahon, who was

superintendent of Lewis and Valentine, nurserymen and landscape

architects in Rye, New York, related this incident:

"Shortly after I attended the talk on 'How to Win Friends and

Influence People,' I was landscaping the estate of a famous attorney.

The owner came out to give me a few instructions about where he

wished to plant a mass of rhododendrons and azaleas.

"I said, 'Judge, you have a lovely hobby. I've been admiring your

beautiful dogs. I understand you win a lot of blue ribbons every year

at the show in Madison Square Garden.'

"The effect of this little expression of appreciation was striking.

" 'Yes,' the judge replied, 'I do have a lot of fun with my dogs. Would

you like to see my kennel?'

"He spent almost an hour showing me his dogs and the prizes they

had won. He even brought out their pedigrees and explained about

the bloodlines responsible for such beauty and intelligence.

"Finally, turning to me, he asked: 'Do you have any small children?'

" 'Yes, I do,' I replied, 'I have a son.'

" 'Well, wouldn't he like a puppy?' the judge inquired.

" 'Oh, yes, he'd be tickled pink.'

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" 'All right, I'm going to give him one,' the . judge announced.

He started to tell me how to feed the puppy. Then he paused. 'You'll

forget it if I tell you. I'll write it out.' So the judge went in the house,

typed out the pedigree and feeding instructions, and gave me a

puppy worth several hundred dollars and one hour and fifteen

minutes of his valuable time largely because I had expressed my

honest admiration for his hobby and achievements."

George Eastman, of Kodak fame, invented the transparent film that

made motion pictures possible, amassed a fortune of a hundred

million dollars, and made himself one of the most famous

businessmen on earth. Yet in spite of all these tremendous

accomplishments, he craved little recognitions even as you and I.

To illustrate: When Eastman was building the Eastman School of

Music and also Kilbourn Hall in Rochester, James Adamson, then

president of the Superior Seating Company of New York, wanted to

get the order to supply the theater chairs for these buildings.

Phoning the architect, Mr. Adamson made an appointment to see Mr.

Eastman in Rochester.

When Adamson arrived, the architect said: "I know you want to get

this order, but I can tell you right now that you won't stand a ghost

of a show if you take more than five minutes of George Eastman's

time. He is a strict disciplinarian. He is very busy. So tell your story

quickly and get out."

Adamson was prepared to do just that.

When he was ushered into the room he saw Mr. Eastman bending

over a pile of papers at his desk. Presently, Mr. Eastman looked up,

removed his glasses, and walked toward the architect and Mr.

Adamson, saying: "Good morning, gentlemen, what can I do for

you?"

The architect introduced them, and then Mr. Adamson said: "While

we've been waiting for you, Mr. Eastman, I've been admiring your

office. I wouldn't mind working in a room like this myself. I'm in the

interior-woodworking business, and I never saw a more beautiful

office in all my life."

George Eastman replied: "You remind me of something I had almost

forgotten. It is beautiful, isn't it? I enjoyed it a great deal when it

was first built. But I come down here now with a lot of other things

on my mind and sometimes don't even see the room for weeks at a

time ."

Adamson walked over and rubbed his hand across a panel. "This is

English oak, isn't it? A little different texture from Italian oak."

"Yes," Eastman replied. "Imported English oak. It was selected for

me by a friend who specializes in fine woods ."

Then Eastman showed him about the room, commenting on the

proportions, the coloring, the hand carving and other effects he had

helped to plan and execute.

While drifting about the room, admiring the wood-work, they paused

before a window, and George Eastman, in his modest, soft-spoken

way, pointed out some of the institutions through which he was

trying to help humanity: the University of Rochester, the General

Hospital, the Homeopathic Hospital, the Friendly Home, the

Children's Hospital. Mr. Adamson congratulated him warmly on the

idealistic way he was using his wealth to alleviate the sufferings of

humanity. Presently, George Eastman unlocked a glass case and

pulled out the first camera he had ever owned - an invention he had

bought from an Englishman.

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Adamson questioned him at length about his early struggles to get

started in business, and Mr. Eastman spoke with real feeling about

the poverty of his childhood, telling how his widowed mother had

kept a boardinghouse while he clerked in an insurance office. The

terror of poverty haunted him day and night, and he resolved to

make enough money so that his mother wouldn't have to work, Mr.

Adamson drew him out with further questions and listened,

absorbed, while he related the story of his experiments with dry

photographic plates. He told how he had worked in an office all day,

and sometimes experimented all night, taking only brief naps while

the chemicals were working, sometimes working and sleeping in his

clothes for seventy-two hours at a stretch.

James Adamson had been ushered into Eastman's office at tenfifteen and had been warned that he must not take more than five

minutes; but an hour had passed, then two hours passed. And they

were still talking. Finally, George Eastman turned to Adamson and

said, "The last time I was in Japan I bought some chairs, brought

them home, and put them in my sun porch. But the sun peeled the

paint, so I went downtown the other day and bought some paint and

painted the chairs myself. Would you like to see what sort of a job I

can do painting chairs? All right. Come up to my home and have

lunch with me and I'll show you."

After lunch, Mr. Eastman showed Adamson the chairs he had

brought from Japan. They weren't worth more than a few dollars,

but George Eastman, now a multimillionaire, was proud of them

because he himself had painted them.

The order for the seats amounted to $90,000. Who do you suppose

got the order - James Adamson or one of his competitors?

From the time of this story until Mr. Eastman's death, he and James

Adamson were close friends.

Claude Marais, a restaurant owner in Rouen, France, used this

principle and saved his restaurant the loss of a key employee. This

woman had been in his employ for five years and was a vital link

between M. Marais and his staff of twenty-one people. He was

shocked to receive a registered letter from her advising him of her

resignation.

M. Marais reported: "I was very surprised and, even more,

disappointed, because I was under the impression that I had been

fair to her and receptive to her needs. Inasmuch as she was a friend

as well as an employee, I probably had taken her too much for

granted and maybe was even more demanding of her than of other

employees.

"I could not, of course, accept this resignation without some

explanation. I took her aside and said, 'Paulette, you must

understand that I cannot accept your resignation You mean a great

deal to me and to this company, and you are as important to the

success of this restaurant as I am.' I repeated this in front of the

entire staff, and I invited her to my home and reiterated my

confidence in her with my family present.

"Paulette withdrew her resignation, and today I can rely on her as

never before. I frequently reinforce this by expressing my

appreciation for what she does and showing her how important she

is to me and to the restaurant."

"Talk to people about themselves," said Disraeli, one of the

shrewdest men who ever ruled the British Empire. "Talk to people

about themselves and they will listen for hours ."

• Principle 6 - Make the other person feel important-and do it

sincerely.

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In a Nutshell - Six Ways To Make People Like You

• Principle 1 - Become genuinely interested in other people.

• Principle 2 - Smile.

• Principle 3 - Remember that a person's name is to that person the

sweetest and most important sound in any language.

• Principle 4 - Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about

themselves.

• Principle 5 - Talk in terms of the other person's interests.

• Principle 6 - Make the other person feel important-and do it

sincerely.

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Part Three - How To Win People To Your Way Of Thinking

1 You Can't Win An Argument

Shortly after the close of World War I, I learned an invaluable lesson

one night in London. I was manager at the time for Sir Ross Smith.

During the war, Sir Ross had been the Australian ace out in

Palestine; and shortly after peace was declared, he astonished the

world by flying halfway around it in thirty days. No such feat had

ever been attempted before. It created a tremendous sensation. The

Australian government awarded him fifty thousand dollars; the King

of England knighted him; and, for a while, he was the most talkedabout man under the Union Jack. I was attending a banquet one

night given in Sir Ross's honor; and during the dinner, the man

sitting next to me told a humorous story which hinged on the

quotation "There's a divinity that shapes our ends, rough-hew them

how we will."

The raconteur mentioned that the quotation was from the Bible. He

was wrong. I knew that, I knew it positively. There couldn't be the

slightest doubt about it. And so, to get a feeling of importance and

display my superiority, I appointed myself as an unsolicited and

unwelcome committee of one to correct him. He stuck to his guns.

What? From Shakespeare? Impossible! Absurd! That quotation was

from the Bible. And he knew it.

The storyteller was sitting on my right; and Frank Gammond, an old

friend of mine, was seated at my left. Mr. Gammond had devoted

years to the study of Shakespeare, So the storyteller and I agreed to

submit the question to Mr. Gammond. Mr. Gammond listened, kicked

me under the table, and then said: "Dale, you are wrong. The

gentleman is right. It is from the Bible."

On our way home that night, I said to Mr. Gammond: "Frank, you

knew that quotation was from Shakespeare,"

"Yes, of course," he replied, "Hamlet, Act Five, Scene Two. But we

were guests at a festive occasion, my dear Dale. Why prove to a

man he is wrong? Is that going to make him like you? Why not let

him save his face? He didn't ask for your opinion. He didn't want it.

Why argue with him? Always avoid the acute angle." The man who

said that taught me a lesson I'll never forget. I not only had made

the storyteller uncomfortable, but had put my friend in an

embarrassing situation. How much better it would have been had I

not become argumentative.

It was a sorely needed lesson because I had been an inveterate

arguer. During my youth, I had argued with my brother about

everything under the Milky Way. When I went to college, I studied

logic and argumentation and went in for debating contests. Talk

about being from Missouri, I was born there. I had to be shown.

Later, I taught debating and argumentation in New York; and once, I

am ashamed to admit, I planned to write a book on the subject.

Since then, I have listened to, engaged in, and watched the effect of

thousands of arguments. As a result of all this, I have come to the

conclusion that there is only one way under high heaven to get the

best of an argument - and that is to avoid it .

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Avoid it as you would avoid rattlesnakes and earthquakes.

Nine times out of ten, an argument ends with each of the

contestants more firmly convinced than ever that he is absolutely

right.

You can't win an argument. You can't because if you lose it, you lose

it; and if you win it, you lose it. Why? Well, suppose you triumph

over the other man and shoot his argument full of holes and prove

that he is non compos mentis. Then what? You will feel fine. But

what about him? You have made him feel inferior. You have hurt his

pride. He will resent your triumph. And -

A man convinced against his will Is of the same opinion still.

Years ago Patrick J. O'Haire joined one of my classes. He had had

little education, and how he loved a scrap! He had once been a

chauffeur, and he came to me because he had been trying, without

much success, to sell trucks. A little questioning brought out the fact

that he was continually scrapping with and antagonizing the very

people he was trying to do business with, If a prospect said anything

derogatory about the trucks he was selling, Pat saw red and was

right at the customer's throat. Pat won a lot of arguments in those

days. As he said to me afterward, "I often walked out of an office

saving: 'I told that bird something.' Sure I had told him something,

but I hadn't sold him anything."

Mv first problem was not to teach Patrick J. O'Haire to talk. My

immediate task was to train him to refrain from talking and to avoid

verbal fights.

Mr. O'Haire became one of the star salesmen for the White Motor

Company in New York. How did he do it? Here is his story in his own

words: "If I walk into a buyer's office now and he says: 'What? A

White truck?

They're no good! I wouldn't take one if you gave it to me. I'm going

to buy the Whose-It truck,' I say, 'The Whose-It is a good truck. If

you buy the Whose-It, you'll never make a mistake. The Whose-Its

are made by a fine company and sold by good people.'

"He is speechless then. There is no room for an argument. If he says

the Whose-It is best and I say sure it is, he has to stop. He can't

keep on all afternoon saying, 'It's the best' when I'm agreeing with

him. We then get off the subject of Whose-It and I begin to talk

about the good points of the White truck.

"There was a time when a remark like his first one would have made

me see scarlet and red and orange. I would start arguing against the

Whose-It; and the more I argued against it, the more my prospect

argued in favor of it; and the more he argued, the more he sold

himself on my competitor's product.

"As I look back now I wonder how I was ever able to sell anything. I

lost years of my life in scrapping and arguing. I keep my mouth shut

now. It pays."

As wise old Ben Franklin used to say:

If you argue and rankle and contradict, you may achieve a victory

sometimes; but it will be an empty victory because you will never get

your opponent's good will.

So figure it out for yourself. Which would you rather have, an

academic, theatrical victory or a person's good will? You can seldom

have both.

The Boston Transcript once printed this bit of significant doggerel:

Here lies the body of William Jay, . Who died maintaining his right of

way-He was right, dead right, as he sped along, But he's just as

dead as if he were wrong.

You may be right, dead right, as you speed along in your argument;

but as far as changing another's mind is concerned, you will probably

be just as futile as if you were wrong.

Frederick S. Parsons, an income tax consultant, had been disputing

and wrangling for an hour with a gover-ment tax inspector. An item

of nine thousand dollars was at stake. Mr. Parsons claimed that this

nine thousand dollars was in reality a bad debt, that it would never

be collected, that it ought not to be taxed. "Bad debt, my eye !"

retorted the inspector. "It must be taxed."

"This inspector was cold, arrogant and stubborn," Mr. Parsons said

as he told the story to the class. "Reason was wasted and so were

facts. . . The longer we argued, the more stubborn he became. So I

decided to avoid argument, change the subject, and give him

appreciation.

"I said, 'I suppose this is a very petty matter in comparison with the

really important and difficult decisions you're required to make. I've

made a study of taxation myself. But I've had to get my knowledge

from books. You are getting yours from the firing line of experience.

I sometime wish I had a job like yours. It would teach me a lot.' I

meant every word I said.

"Well." The inspector straightened up in his chair, leaned back, and

talked for a long time about his work, telling me of the clever frauds

he had uncovered. His tone gradually became friendly, and presently

he was telling me about his children. As he left, he advised me that

he would consider my problem further and give me his decision in a

few days.

"He called at my office three days later and informed me that he had

decided to leave the tax return exactly as it was filed."

This tax inspector was demonstrating one of the most common of

human frailties. He wanted a feeling of importance; and as long as

Mr. Parsons argued with him, he got his feeling of importance by

loudly asserting his authority. But as soon as his importance was

admitted and the argument stopped and he was permitted to expand

his ego, he became a sympathetic and kindly human being.

Buddha said: "Hatred is never ended by hatred but by love," and a

misunderstanding is never ended by an argument but by tact,

diplomacy, conciliation and a sympathetic desire to see the other

person's viewpoint.

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Lincoln once reprimanded a young army officer for indulging in a

violent controversy with an associate. "No man who is resolved to

make the most of himself," said Lincoln, "can spare time for personal

contention. Still less can he afford to take the consequences,

including the vitiation of his temper and the loss of self-control. Yield

larger things to which you show no more than equal rights; and yield

lesser ones though clearly your own. Better give your path to a dog

than be bitten by him in contesting for the right. Even killing the dog

would not cure the bite."

In an article in Bits and Pieces,* some suggestions are made on how

to keep a disagreement from becoming an argument:

Welcome the disagreement. Remember the slogan, "When two

partners always agree, one of them is not necessary." If there is

some point you haven't thought about, be thankful if it is brought to

your attention. Perhaps this disagreement is your opportunity to be

corrected before you make a serious mistake.

Distrust your first instinctive impression. Our first natural reaction in

a disagreeable situation is to be defensive. Be careful. Keep calm and

watch out for your first reaction. It may be you at your worst, not

your best.

Control your temper. Remember, you can measure the size of a

person by what makes him or her angry.

Listen first. Give your opponents a chance to talk. Let them finish. Do

not resist, defend or debate. This only raises barriers. Try to build

bridges of understanding. Don't build higher barriers of

misunderstanding.

Look for areas of agreement. When you have heard your opponents

out, dwell first on the points and areas on which you agree.

Be honest, Look for areas where you can admit error and say so.

Apologize for your mistakes. It will help disarm your opponents and

reduce defensiveness.

Promise to think over your opponents' ideas and study them

carefully. And mean it. Your opponents may be right. It is a lot easier

at this stage to agree to think about their points than to move rapidly

ahead and find yourself in a position where your opponents can say:

"We tried to tell you, but you wouldn't listen."

Thank your opponents sincerely for their interest. Anyone who takes

the time to disagree with you is interested in the same things you

are. Think of them as people who really want to help you, and you

may turn your opponents into friends.

Postpone action to give both sides time to think through the

problem. Suggest that a new meeting be held later that day or the

next day, when all the facts may be brought to bear. In preparation

for this meeting, ask yourself some hard questions:

Could my opponents be right? Partly right? Is there truth or merit in

their position or argument? Is my reaction one that will relieve the

problem, or will it just relieve any frustration? Will my reaction drive

my opponents further away or draw them closer to me? Will my

reaction elevate the estimation good people have of me? Will I win

or lose? What price will I have to pay if I win? If I am quiet about it,

will the disagreement blow over? Is this difficult situation an

opportunity for me?

* Bits and Pieces, published by The Economics Press, Fairfield, N.J.

Opera tenor Jan Peerce, after he was married nearly fifty years, once

said: "My wife and I made a pact a long time ago, and we've kept it

no matter how angry we've grown with each other. When one yells,

the other should listen-because when two people yell, there is no

communication, just noise and bad vibrations."

• Principle 1 The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid

it.