How To Win Friends And Influence People

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He would say: "No, I didn't do it. You did it."

Scolding, spanking, shaming him, reiterating that the parents didn't

want him to do it - none of these things kept the bed dry. So the

parents asked: "How can we make this boy want to stop wetting his

bed?"

What were his wants? First, he wanted to wear pajamas like Daddy

instead of wearing a nightgown like Grandmother. Grandmother was

getting fed up with his nocturnal iniquities, so she gladly offered to

buy him a pair of pajamas if he would reform. Second, he wanted a

bed of his own. Grandma didn't object.

His mother took him to a department store in Brooklyn, winked at

the salesgirl, and said: "Here is a little gentleman who would like to

do some shopping."

The salesgirl made him feel important by saying: "Young man, what

can I show you?"

He stood a couple of inches taller and said: "I want to buy a bed for

myself."

When he was shown the one his mother wanted him to buy, she

winked at the salesgirl and the boy was persuaded to buy it.

The bed was delivered the next day; and that night, when Father

came home, the little boy ran to the door shouting: "Daddy! Daddy!

Come upstairs and see my bed that I bought!"

The father, looking at the bed, obeyed Charles Schwab's injunction:

he was "hearty in his approbation and lavish in his praise."

"You are not going to wet this bed, are you?" the father said. " Oh,

no, no! I am not going to wet this bed." The boy kept his promise,

for his pride was involved. That was his bed. He and he alone had

bought it. And he was wearing pajamas now like a little man. He

wanted to act like a man. And he did.

Another father, K.T. Dutschmann, a telephone engineer, a student of

this course, couldn't get his three-year old daughter to eat breakfast

food. The usual scolding, pleading, coaxing methods had all ended in

futility. So the parents asked themselves: "How can we make her

want to do it?"

The little girl loved to imitate her mother, to feel big and grown up;

so one morning they put her on a chair and let her make the

breakfast food. At just the psychological moment, Father drifted into

the kitchen while she was stirring the cereal and she said: "Oh, look,

Daddy, I am making the cereal this morning."

She ate two helpings of the cereal without any coaxing, because she

was interested in it. She had achieved a feeling of importance; she

had found in making the cereal an avenue of self-expression.

William Winter once remarked that "self-expression is the dominant

necessity of human nature." Why can't we adapt this same

psychology to business dealings? When we have a brilliant idea,

instead of making others think it is ours, why not let them cook and

stir the idea themselves. They will then regard it as their own; they

will like it and maybe eat a couple of helpings of it.

Remember: "First, arouse in the other person an eager want. He

who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walks

a lonely way."

• Principle 3 - Arouse in the other person an eager want.

In a Nutshell Fundamental Techniques In Handling People

• Principle 1 Don't criticize, condemn or complain.

• Principle 2 Give honest and sincere appreciation.

• Principle 3 Arouse in the other person an eager want.

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Part Two - Ways To Make People Like You

1 Do This And You'll Be Welcome Anywhere

Why read this book to find out how to win friends? Why not study

the technique of the greatest winner of friends the world has ever

known? Who is he? You may meet him tomorrow coming down the

street. When you get within ten feet of him, he will begin to wag his

tail. If you stop and pat him, he will almost jump out of his skin to

show you how much he likes you. And you know that behind this

show of affection on his part, there are no ulterior motives: he

doesn't want to sell you any real estate, and he doesn't want to

marry you.

Did you ever stop to think that a dog is the only animal that doesn't

have to work for a living? A hen has to lay eggs, a cow has to give

milk, and a canary has to sing. But a dog makes his living by giving

you nothing but love.

When I was five years old, my father bought a little yellow-haired

pup for fifty cents. He was the light and joy of my childhood. Every

afternoon about four-thirty, he would sit in the front yard with his

beautiful eyes staring steadfastly at the path, and as soon as he

heard my voice or saw me swinging my dinner pail through the buck

brush, he was off like a shot, racing breathlessly up the hill to greet

me with leaps of joy and barks of sheer ecstasy.

Tippy was my constant companion for five years. Then one tragic

night - I shall never forget it - he was killed within ten feet of my

head, killed by lightning. Tippy's death was the tragedy of my

boyhood.

You never read a book on psychology, Tippy. You didn't need to. You

knew by some divine instinct that you can make more friends in two

months by becoming genuinely interested in other people than you

can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you. Let

me repeat that. You can make more friends in two months by

becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by

trying to get other people interested in you.

Yet I know and you know people who blunder through life trying to

wigwag other people into becoming interested in them.

Of course, it doesn't work. People are not interested in you. They are

not interested in me. They are interested in themselves - morning,

noon and after dinner.

The New York Telephone Company made a detailed study of

telephone conversations to find out which word is the most

frequently used. You have guessed it: it is the personal pronoun "I."

"I." I." It was used 3,900 times in 500 telephone conversations. "I."

"I." "I." "I." When you see a group photograph that you are in,

whose picture do you look for first?

If we merely try to impress people and get people interested in us,

we will never have many true, sincere friends. Friends, real friends,

are not made that way.

Napoleon tried it, and in his last meeting with Josephine he said:

"Josephine, I have been as fortunate as any man ever was on this

earth; and yet, at this hour, you are the only person in the world on

whom I can rely." And historians doubt whether he could rely even

on her.

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Alfred Adler, the famous Viennese psychologist, wrote a book

entitled What Life Should Mean to You. In that book he says: "It is

the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who has the

greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to others.

It is from among such individuals that all human failures spring."

You may read scores of erudite tomes on psychology without coming

across a statement more significant for you and for me. Adler's

statement is so rich with meaning that I am going to repeat it in

italics:

It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who has

the greatest difjculties in life and provides the greutest injury to

others. It is from umong such individuals that all humun failures

spring.

I once took a course in short-story writing at New York University,

and during that course the editor of a leading magazine talked to our

class. He said he could pick up any one of the dozens of stories that

drifted across his desk every day and after reading a few paragraphs

he could feel whether or not the author liked people. "If the author

doesn't like people," he said, "people won't like his or her stories."

This hard-boiled editor stopped twice in the course of his talk on

fiction writing and apologized for preaching a sermon. "I am telling

you," he said, "the same things your preacher would tell you, but

remember, you have to be interested in people if you want to be a

successful writer of stories."

If that is true of writing fiction, you can be sure it is true of dealing

with people face-to-face.

I spent an evening in the dressing room of Howard Thurston the last

time he appeared on Broadway -Thurston was the acknowledged

dean of magicians. For forty years he had traveled all over the world,

time and again, creating illusions, mystifying audiences, and making

people gasp with astonishment. More than 60 million people had

paid admission to his show, and he had made almost $2 million in

profit.

I asked Mr. Thurston to tell me the secret of his success. His

schooling certainly had nothing to do with it, for he ran away from

home as a small boy, became a hobo, rode in boxcars, slept in

haystacks, begged his food from door to door, and learned to read

by looking out of boxcars at signs along the railway.

Did he have a superior knowledge of magic? No, he told me

hundreds of books had been written about legerdemain and scores

of people knew as much about it as he did. But he had two things

that the others didn't have. First, he had the ability to put his

personality across the footlights. He was a master showman. He

knew human nature. Everything he did, every gesture, every

intonation of his voice, every lifting of an eyebrow had been carefully

rehearsed in advance, and his actions were timed to split seconds.

But, in addition to that, Thurston had a genuine interest in people.

He told me that many magicians would look at the audience and say

to themselves, "Well, there is a bunch of suckers out there, a bunch

of hicks; I'll fool them all right." But Thurston's method was totally

different. He told me that every time he went on stage he said to

himself: "I am grateful because these people come to see me, They

make it possible for me to make my living in a very agreeable way.

I'm going to give them the very best I possibly can."

He declared he never stepped in front of the footlights without first

saying to himself over and over: "I love my audience. I love my

audience." Ridiculous? Absurd? You are privileged to think anything

you like. I am merely passing it on to you without comment as a

recipe used by one of the most famous magicians of all time.

George Dyke of North Warren, Pennsylvania, was forced to retire

from his service station business after thirty years when a new

highway was constructed over the site of his station. It wasn't long

before the idle days of retirement began to bore him, so he started

filling in his time trying to play music on his old fiddle. Soon he was

traveling the area to listen to music and talk with many of the

accomplished fiddlers. In his humble and friendly way he became

generally interested in learning the background and interests of

every musician he met. Although he was not a great fiddler himself,

he made many friends in this pursuit. He attended competitions and

soon became known to the country music fans in the eastern part of

the United States as "Uncle George, the Fiddle Scraper from Kinzua

County." When we heard Uncle George, he was seventy-two and

enjoying every minute of his life. By having a sustained interest in

other people, he created a new life for himself at a time when most

people consider their productive years over.

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That, too, was one of the secrets of Theodore Roosevelt's

astonishing popularity. Even his servants loved him. His valet, James

E. Amos, wrote a book about him entitled Theodore Roosevelt, Hero

to His Valet. In that book Amos relates this illuminating incident:

My wife one time asked the President about a bobwhite. She had

never seen one and he described it to her fully. Sometime later, the

telephone at our cottage rang. [Amos and his wife lived in a little

cottage on the Roosevelt estate at Oyster Bay.] My wife answered it

and it was Mr. Roosevelt himself. He had called her, he said, to tell

her that there was a bobwhite outside her window and that if she

would look out she might see it. Little things like that were so

characteristic of him. Whenever he went by our cottage, even

though we were out of sight, we would hear him call out: "Oo-oo-oo,

Annie?" or "Oo-oo-oo, James!" It was just a friendly greeting as he

went by.

How could employees keep from liking a man like that? How could

anyone keep from liking him? Roosevelt called at the White House

one day when the President and Mrs. Taft were away. His honest

liking for humble people was shown by the fact that he greeted all

the old White House servants by name, even the scullery maids.

"When he saw Alice, the kitchen maid," writes Archie Butt, "he asked

her if she still made corn bread. Alice told him that she sometimes

made it for the servants, but no one ate it upstairs.

"'They show bad taste,' Roosevelt boomed, 'and I'll tell the President

so when I see him.'

"Alice brought a piece to him on a plate, and he went over to the

office eating it as he went and greeting gardeners and laborers as he

passed. . .

"He addressed each person just as he had addressed them in the

past. Ike Hoover, who had been head usher at the White House for

forty years, said with tears in his eyes: 'It is the only happy day we

had in nearly two years, and not one of us would exchange it for a

hundred-dollar bill.' "

The same concern for the seemingly unimportant people helped

sales representative Edward M. Sykes, Jr., of Chatham, New Jersey,

retain an account. "Many years ago," he reported, "I called on

customers for Johnson and Johnson in the Massachusetts area. One

account was a drug store in Hingham. Whenever I went into this

store I would always talk to the soda clerk and sales clerk for a few

minutes before talking to the owner to obtain his order. One day I

went up to the owner of the store, and he told me to leave as he

was not interested in buying J&J products anymore because he felt

they were concentrating their activities on food and discount stores

to the detriment of the small drugstore. I left with my tail between

my legs and drove around the town for several hours. Finally, I

decided to go back and try at least to explain our position to the

owner of the store.

"When I returned I walked in and as usual said hello to the soda

clerk and sales clerk. When I walked up to the owner, he smiled at

me and welcomed me back. He then gave me double the usual

order, I looked at him with surprise and asked him what had

happened since my visit only a few hours earlier. He pointed to the

young man at the soda fountain and said that after I had left, the

boy had come over and said that I was one of the few salespeople

that called on the store that even bothered to say hello to him and to

the others in the store. He told the owner that if any salesperson

deserved his business, it was I. The owner agreed and remained a

loyal customer. I never forgot that to be genuinely interested in

other people is a most important quality for a sales-person to

possess - for any person, for that matter."

I have discovered from personal experience that one can win the

attention and time and cooperation of even the most sought-after

people by becoming genuinely interested in them. Let me illustrate.

Years ago I conducted a course in fiction writing at the Brooklyn

Institute of Arts and Sciences, and we wanted such distinguished and

busy authors as Kathleen Norris, Fannie Hurst, Ida Tarbell, Albert

Payson Terhune and Rupert Hughes to come to Brooklyn and give us

the benefit of their experiences. So we wrote them, saying we

admired their work and were deeply interested in getting their advice

and learning the secrets of their success.

Each of these letters was signed by about a hundred and fifty

students. We said we realized that these authors were busy - too

busy to prepare a lecture. So we enclosed a list of questions for

them to answer about themselves and their methods of work. They

liked that. Who wouldn't like it? So they left their homes and traveled

to Brooklyn to give us a helping hand.

By using the same method, I persuaded Leslie M. Shaw, secretary of

the treasury in Theodore Roosevelt's cabinet; George W.

Wickersham, attorney general in Taft's cabinet; William Jennings

Bryan; Franklin D. Roosevelt and many other prominent men to

come to talk to the students of my courses in public speaking.

All of us, be we workers in a factory, clerks in an office or even a

king upon his throne - all of us like people who admire us. Take the

German Kaiser, for example. At the close of World War I he was

probably the most savagely and universally despised man on this

earth. Even his own nation turned against him when he fled over into

Holland to save his neck. The hatred against him was so intense that

millions of people would have loved to tear him limb from limb or

burn him at the stake. In the midst of all this forest fire of fury, one

little boy wrote the Kaiser a simple, sincere letter glowing with

kindliness and admiration. This little boy said that no matter what

the others thought, he would always love Wilhelm as his Emperor.

The Kaiser was deeply touched by his letter and invited the little boy

to come to see him. The boy came, so did his mother - and the

Kaiser married her. That little boy didn't need to read a book on how

to win friends and influence people. He knew how instinctively.

If we want to make friends, let's put ourselves out to do things for

other people - things that require time, energy, unselfishness and

thoughtfulness. When the Duke of Windsor was Prince of Wales, he

was scheduled to tour South America, and before he started out on

that tour he spent months studying Spanish so that he could make

public talks in the language of the country; and the South Americans

loved him for it.

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For years I made it a point to find out the birthdays of my friends.

How? Although I haven't the foggiest bit of faith in astrology, I

began by asking the other party whether he believed the date of

one's birth has anything to do with character and disposition. I then

asked him or her to tell me the month and day of birth. If he or she

said November 24, for example, I kept repeating to myself,

"November 24, November 24." The minute my friend's back was

turned, I wrote down the name and birthday and later would transfer

it to a birthday book. At the beginning of each year, I had these

birthday dates scheduled in my calendar pad so that they came to

my attention automatically. When the natal day arrived, there was

my letter or telegram. What a hit it made! I was frequently the only

person on earth who remembered.

If we want to make friends, let's greet people with animation and

enthusiasm. When somebody calls you on the telephone use the

same psychology. Say "Hello" in tones that bespeak how pleased

YOU are to have the person call. Many companies train their

telephone operatars to greet all callers in a tone of voice that

radiates interest and enthusiasm. The caller feels the company is

concerned about them. Let's remember that when we answer the

telephone tomorrow.

Showing a genuine interest in others not only wins friends for you,

but may develop in its customers a loyalty to your company. In an

issue of the publication of the National Bank of North America of

New York, the following letter from Madeline Rosedale, a depositor,

was published: *

* Eagle, publication of the Natirmal Bank of North America, h-ew

York, March 31, 1978.

"I would like you to know how much I appreciate your staff.

Everyone is so courteous, polite and helpful. What a pleasure it is,

after waiting on a long line, to have the teller greet you pleasantly.

"Last year my mother was hospitalized for five months. Frequently I

went to Marie Petrucello, a teller. She was concerned about my

mother and inquired about her progress."

Is there any doubt that Mrs. Rosedale will continue to use this bank?

Charles R. Walters, of one of the large banks in New York City, was

assigned to prepare a confidential report on a certain corporation. He

knew of only one person who possessed the facts he needed so

urgently. As Mr. Walters was ushered into the president's office, a

young woman stuck her head through a door and told the president

that she didn't have any stamps for him that day.

"I am collecting stamps for my twelve-year-old son," the president

explained to Mr. Walters.

Mr. Walters stated his mission and began asking questions. The

president was vague, general, nebulous. He didn't want to talk, and

apparently nothing could persuade him to talk. The interview was

brief and barren.

"Frankly, I didn't know what to do," Mr. Walters said as he related

the story to the class. "Then I remembered what his secretary had

said to him - stamps, twelve-year-old son. . . And I also recalled that

the foreign department of our bank collected stamps - stamps taken

from letters pouring in from every continent washed by the seven

seas.

"The next afternoon I called on this man and sent in word that I had

some stamps for his boy. Was I ushered in with enthusiasm? Yes sir,

He couldn't have shaken my hand with more enthusiasm if he had

been running for Congress. He radiated smiles and good will. 'My

George will love this one,' he kept saying as he fondled the stamps.

'And look at this! This is a treasure.'

"We spent half an hour talking stamps and looking at a picture of his

boy, and he then devoted more than an hour of his time to giving

me every bit of information I wanted - without my even suggesting

that he do it. He told me all he knew, and then called in his

subordinates and questioned them. He telephoned some of his

associates. He loaded me down with facts, figures, reports and

correspondence. In the parlance of newspaper reporters, I had a

scoop."

Here is another illustration:

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C. M. Knaphle, Jr., of Philadelphia had tried for years to sell fuel to a

large chain-store organization. But the chain-store company

continued to purchase its fuel from an out-of-town dealer and haul it

right past the door of Knaphle's office. Mr, Knaphle made a speech

one night before one of my classes, pouring out his hot wrath upon

chain stores, branding them as a curse to the nation.

And still he wondered why he couldn't sell them.

I suggested that he try different tactics. To put it briefly, this is what

happened. We staged a debate between members of the course on

whether the spread of the chain store is doing the country more

harm than good.

Knaphle, at my suggestion, took the negative side; he agreed to

defend the chain stores, and then went straight to an executive of

the chain-store organization that he despised and said: "I am not

here to try to sell fuel. I have come to ask you to do me a favor." He

then told about his debate and said, "I have come to you for help

because I can't think of anyone else who would be more capable of

giving me the facts I want. I'm anxious to win this debate, and I'll

deeply appreciate whatever help you can give me."

Here is the rest of the story in Mr. Knaphle's own words:

I had asked this man for precisely one minute of his time. It was

with that understanding that he consented to see me. After I had

stated my case, he motioned me to a chair and talked to me for

exactly one hour and forty-seven minutes. He called in another

executive who had written a book on chain stores. He wrote to the

National Chain Store Association and secured for me a copy of a

debate on the subject. He feels that the chain store is rendering a

real service to humanity. He is proud of what he is doing for

hundreds of communities. His eyes fairly glowed as he talked, and I

must confess that he opened my eyes to things I had never even

dreamed of. He changed my whole mental attitude. As I was leaving,

he walked with me to the door, put his arm around my shoulder,

wished me well in my debate, and asked me to stop in and see him

again and let him know how I made out. The last words he said to

me were: "Please see me again later in the spring. I should like to

place an order with you for fuel."

To me that was almost a miracle. Here he was offering to buy fuel

without my even suggesting it. I had made more headway in two

hours by becoming genuinely interested in him and his problems

than I could have made in ten years trying to get him interested in

me and my product.

You didn't discover a new truth, Mr. Knaphle, for a long time ago, a

hundred years before Christ was born a famous old Roman poet,

Publilius Syrus, remarked; "We are interested in others when they

are interested in us."

A show of interest, as with every other principle of human relations,

must be sincere. It must pay off not only for the person showing the

interest, but for the person receiving the attention. It is a two-way

street-both parties benefit.

Martin Ginsberg, who took our Course in Long Island New York,

reported how the special interest a nurse took in him profoundly

affected his life:

"It was Thanksgiving Day and I was ten years old. I was in a welfare

ward of a city hospital and was scheduled to undergo major

orthopedic surgery the next day. I knew that I could only look

forward to months of confinement, convalescence and pain. My

father was dead; my mother and I lived alone in a small apartment

and we were on welfare. My mother was unable to visit me that day.

"As the day went on, I became overwhelmed with the feeling of

loneliness, despair and fear. I knew my mother was home alone

worrying about me, not having anyone to be with, not having anyone

to eat with and not even having enough money to afford a

Thanksgiving Day dinner.

"The tears welled up in my eyes, and I stuck my head under the

pillow and pulled the covers over it, I cried silently, but oh so bitterly,

so much that my body racked with pain.

"A young student nurse heard my sobbing and came over to me. She

took the covers off my face and started wiping my tears. She told me

how lonely she was, having to work that day and not being able to

be with her family. She asked me whether I would have dinner with

her. She brought two trays of food: sliced turkey, mashed a

potatoes, cranberry sauce and ice cream for dessert. She talked to

me and tried to calm my fears. Even though she was scheduled to go

off duty at 4 P.M., she stayed on her own time until almost 11 P.M.

She played games with me, talked to me and stayed with me until I

finally fell asleep.

"Many Thanksgivings have come and gone since I was ten, but one

never passes without me remembering that particular one and my

feelings of frustration, fear, loneliness and the warmth and

tenderness of the stranger that somehow made it all bearable."

If you want others to like you, if you want to develop real

friendships, if you want to help others at the same time as you help

yourself, keep this principle in mind:

• Principle 1 Become genuinely interested in other people.

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2 - A Simple Way To Make A Good First Impression

At a dinner party in New York, one of the guests, a woman who had

inherited money, was eager to make a pleasing impression on

everyone. She had squandered a modest fortune on sables,

diamonds and pearls. But she hadn't done anything whatever about

her face. It radiated sourness and selfishness. She didn't realize what

everyone knows: namely, that the expression one wears on one's

face is far more important than the clothes one wears on one's back.

Charles Schwab told me his smile had been worth a million dollars.

And he was probably understating the truth. For Schwab's

personality, his charm, his ability to make people like him, were

almost wholly responsible for his extraordinary success; and one of

the most delightful factors in his personality was his captivating

smile.

Actions speak louder than words, and a smile says, "I like you, You

make me happy. I am glad to see you." That is why dogs make such

a hit. They are so glad to see us that they almost jump out of their

skins. So, naturally, we are glad to see them.

A baby's smile has the same effect.

Have you ever been in a doctor's waiting room and looked around at

all the glum faces waiting impatiently to be seen? Dr, Stephen K.

Sproul, a veterinarian in Raytown, Missouri, told of a typical spring

day when his waiting room was full of clients waiting to have their

pets inoculated. No one was talking to anyone else, and all were

probably thinking of a dozen other things they would rather be doing

than "wasting time" sitting in that office. He told one of our classes:

"There were six or seven clients waiting when a young woman came

in with a nine-month-old baby and a kitten. As luck would have it,

she sat down next to a gentleman who was more than a little

distraught about the long wait for service. The next thing he knew,

the baby just looked up at him with that great big smile that is so

characteristic of babies. What did that gentleman do? Just what you

and I would do, of course; he-smiled back at the baby. Soon he

struck up a conversation with the woman about her baby and his

grandchildren, and soon the entire reception room joined in, and the

boredom and tension were converted into a pleasant and enjoyable

experience."

An insincere grin? No. That doesn't fool anybody. We know it is

mechanical and we resent it. I am talking about a real smile, a

heartwarming smile, a smile that comes from within, the kind of

smile that will bring a good price in the marketplace.

Professor James V. McConnell, a psychologist at the University of

Michigan, expressed his feelings about a smile. "People who smile,"

he said, "tend to manage teach and sell more effectively, and to

raise happier children. There's far more information in a smile than a

frown. That's why encouragement is a much more effective teaching

device than punishment."

The employment manager of a large New York department store told

me she would rather hire a sales clerk who hadn't finished grade

school, if he or she has a pleasant smile, than to hire a doctor of

philosophy with a somber face.

The effect of a smile is powerful - even when it is unseen. Telephone

companies throughout the United States have a program called

"phone power" which is offered to employees who use the telephone

for selling their services or products. In this program they suggest

that you smile when talking on the phone. Your "smile" comes

through in your voice.

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Robert Cryer, manager of a computer department for a Cincinnati,

Ohio, company, told how he had successfully found the right

applicant for a hard-to-fill position:

"I was desperately trying to recruit a Ph.D. in computer science for

my department. I finally located a young man with ideal

qualifications who was about to be graduated from Purdue

University. After several phone conversations I learned that he had

several offers from other companies, many of them larger and better

known than mine. I was delighted when he accepted my offer. After

he started on the job, I asked him why he had chosen us over the

others. He paused for a moment and then he said: 'I think it was

because managers in the other companies spoke on the phone in a

cold, business-like manner, which made me feel like just another

business transaction, Your voice sounded as if you were glad to hear

from me ... that you really wanted me to be part of your

organization. ' You can be assured, I am still answering my phone

with a smile."

The chairman of the board of directors of one of the largest rubber

companies 'in the United States told me that, according to his

observations, people rarely succeed at anything unless they have fun

doing it. This industrial leader doesn't put much faith in the old

adage that hard work alone is the magic key that will unlock the door

to our desires, "I have known people," he said, "who succeeded

because they had a rip-roaring good time conducting their business.

Later, I saw those people change as the fun became work. The

business had grown dull, They lost all joy in it, and they failed."

You must have a good time meeting people if you expect them to

have a good time meeting you.

I have asked thousands of business people to smile at someone

every hour of the day for a week and then come to class and talk

about the results. How did it work? Let's see ... Here is a letter from

William B. Steinhardt, a New York stockbroker. His case isn't isolated.

In fact, it is typical of hundreds of cases.

"1 have been married for over eighteen years," wrote Mr. Steinhardt,

"and in all that time I seldom smiled at my wife or spoke two dozen

words to her from the time I got up until I was ready to leave for

business. I was one of the worst grouches who ever walked down

Broadway.

"When you asked me to make a talk about my experience with

smiles, I thought I would try it for a week. So the next morning,

while combing my hair, I looked at my glum mug in the mirror and

said to myself, 'Bill, you are going to wipe the scowl off that sour

puss of yours today. You are going to smile. And you are going to

begin right now.' As I sat down to breakfast, I greeted my wife with

a 'Good morning, my dear,' and smiled as I said it.

"You warned me that she might be surprised. Well, you

underestimated her reaction. She was bewildered. She was shocked.

I told her that in the future she could expect this as a regular

occurrence, and I kept it up every morning.

"This changed attitude of mine brought more happiness into our

home in the two months since I started than there was during the

last year.

"As I leave for my office, I greet the elevator operator in the

apartment house with a 'Good morning' and a smile, I greet the

doorman with a smile. I smile at the cashier in the subway booth

when I ask for change. As I stand on the floor of the Stock

Exchange, I smile at people who until recently never saw me smile.

"I soon found that everybody was smiling back at me, I treat those

who come to me with complaints or grievances in a cheerful manner,

I smile as I listen to them and I find that adjustments are

accomplished much easier. I find that smiles are bringing me dollars,

many dollars every day.

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"I share my office with another broker. One of his clerks is a likable

young chap, and I was so elated about the results I was getting that

I told him recently about my new philosophy of human relations. He

then confessed that when I first came to share my office with his

firm he thought me a terrible grouch - and only recently changed his

mind. He said I was really human when I smiled.

"I have also eliminated criticism from my system. I give appreciation

and praise now instead of condemnation. I have stopped talking

about what I want. I am now trying to see the other person's

viewpoint. And these things have literally revolutionized my life. I am

a totally different man, a happier man, a richer man, richer in

friendships and happiness - the only things that matter much after

all."

You don't feel like smiling? Then what? Two things. First, force

yourself to smile. If you are alone, force yourself to whistle or hum a

tune or sing. Act as if you were already happy, and that will tend to

make you happy. Here is the way the psychologist and philosopher

William James put it:

"Action seems to follow feeling, but really action and feeling go

together; and by regulating the action, which is under the more

direct control of the will, we can indirectly regulate the feeling, which

is not.

"Thus the sovereign voluntary path to cheerfulness, if our

cheerfulness be lost, is to sit up cheerfully and to act and speak as if

cheerfulness were already there. ..."

Every body in the world is seeking happiness - and there is one sure

way to find it. That is by controlling your thoughts. Happiness

doesn't depend on outward conditions. It depends on inner

conditions.

It isn't what you have or who you are or where you are or what you

are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think

about it. For example, two people may be in the same place, doing

the same thing; both may have about an equal amount of money

and prestige - and yet one may be miserable and the other happy.

Why? Because of a different mental attitude. I have seen just as

many happy faces among the poor peasants toiling with their

primitive tools in the devastating heat of the tropics as I have seen in

air-conditioned offices in New York, Chicago or Los Angeles.

"There is nothing either good or bad," said Shakespeare, "but

thinking makes it so."

Abe Lincoln once remarked that "most folks are about as happy as

they make up their minds to be." He was right. I saw a vivid

illustration of that truth as I was walking up the stairs of the Long

Island Railroad station in New York. Directly in front of me thirty or

forty crippled boys on canes and crutches were struggling up the

stairs. One boy had to be carried up. I was astonished at their

laughter and gaiety. I spoke about it to one of.the men in charge of

the boys. "Oh, yes," he said, "when a boy realizes that he is going to

be a cripple for life, he is shocked at first; but after he gets over the

shock, he usually resigns himself to his fate and then becomes as

happy as normal boys."

I felt like taking my hat off to those boys. They taught me a lesson I

hope I shall never forget.

Working all by oneself in a closed-off room in an office not only is

lonely, but it denies one the opportunity of making friends with other

employees in the company. Seсora Maria Gonzalez of Guadalajara,

Mexico, had such a job. She envied the shared comradeship of other

people in the company as she heard their chatter and laughter. As

she passed them in the hall during the first weeks of her

employment, she shyly looked the other way.

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After a few weeks, she said to herself, "Maria, you can't expect those

women to come to you. You have to go out and meet them. " The

next time she walked to the water cooler, she put on her brightest

smile and said, "Hi, how are you today" to each of the people she

met. The effect was immediate. Smiles and hellos were returned, the

hallway seemed brighter, the job friendlier.

Acquaintanceships developed and some ripened into friendships. Her

job and her life became more pleasant and interesting.

Peruse this bit of sage advice from the essayist and publisher Elbert

Hubbard - but remember, perusing it won't do you any good unless

you apply it:

Whenever you go out-of-doors, draw the chin in, carry the crown of

the head high, and fill the lungs to the utmost; drink in the sunshine;

greet your friends with a smile, and put soul into every handclasp.

Do not fear being misunderstood and do not waste a minute thinking

about your enemies. Try to fix firmly in your mind what you would

like to do; and then, without veering off direction, you will move

straight to the goal. Keep your mind on the great and splendid things

you would like to do, and then, as the days go gliding away, you will

find yourself unconsciously seizing upon the opportunities that are

required for the fulfillment of your desire, just as the coral insect

takes from the running tide the element it needs. Picture in your

mind the able, earnest, useful person you desire to be, and the

thought you hold is hourly transforming you into that particular

individual.. . . Thought is supreme. Preserve a right mental attitude -

the attitude of courage, frankness, and good cheer. To think rightly

is to create. All things come through desire and every sincere prayer

is answered. We become like that on which our hearts are fixed.

Carry your chin in and the crown of your head high. We are gods in

the chrysalis.

The ancient Chinese were a wise lot - wise in the ways of the world;

and they had a proverb that you and I ought to cut out and paste

inside our hats. It goes like this: "A man without a smiling face must

not open a shop."

Your smile is a messenger of your good will. Your smile brightens the

lives of all who see it. To someone who has seen a dozen people

frown, scowl or turn their faces away, your smile is like the sun

breaking through the clouds. Especially when that someone is under

pressure from his bosses, his customers, his teachers or parents or

children, a smile can help him realize that all is not hopeless - that

there is joy in the world.

Some years ago, a department store in New York City, in recognition

of the pressures its sales clerks were under during the Christmas

rush, presented the readers of its advertisements with the following

homely philosophy:

The Value Of A Smile At Christmas

It costs nothing, but creates much. It enriches those who receive,

without impoverishing those who give. It happens in a flash and the

memory of it sometimes lasts forever, None are so rich they can get

along without it, and none so poor but are richer for its benefits. It

creates happiness in the home, fosters good will in a business, and is

the countersign of friends. It is rest to the weary, daylight to the

discouraged, sunshine to the sad, and Nature's best antidote fee

trouble. Yet it cannot be bought, begged, borrowed, or stolen, for it

is something that is no earthly good to anybody till it is given away.

And if in the last-minute rush of Christmas buying some of our

salespeople should be too tired to give you a smile, may we ask you

to leave one of yours? For nobody needs a smile so much as those

who have none left to give!

• Principle 2 - Smile.

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3 - If You Don't Do This, You Are Headed For Trouble

Back in 1898, a tragic thing happened in Rockland County, New

York. A child had died, and on this particular day the neighbors were

preparing to go to the funeral.

Jim Farley went out to the barn to hitch up his horse. The ground

was covered with snow, the air was cold and snappy; the horse

hadn't been exercised for days; and as he was led out to the

watering trough, he wheeled playfully, kicked both his heels high in

the air, and killed Jim Farley. So the little village of Stony Point had

two funerals that week instead of one.

Jim Farley left behind him a widow and three boys, and a few

hundred dollars in insurance.

His oldest boy, Jim, was ten, and he went to work in a brickyard,

wheeling sand and pouring it into the molds and turning the brick on

edge to be dried by the sun. This boy Jim never had a chance to get

much education. But with his natural geniality, he had a flair for

making people like him, so he went into politics, and as the years

went by, he developed an uncanny ability for remembering people's

names.

He never saw the inside of a high school; but before he was forty-six

years of age, four colleges had honored him with degrees and he

had become chairman of the Democratic National Committee and

Postmaster General of the United States.

I once interviewed Jim Farley and asked him the secret of his

success. He said, "Hard work," and I said, "Don't be funny."

He then asked me what I thought was the reason for his success. I

replied: "I understand you can call ten thousand people by their first

names."

"No. You are wrong, " he said. "I can call fifty thousand people by

their first names."

Make no mistake about it. That ability helped Mr. Farley put Franklin

D. Roosevelt in the White House when he managed Roosevelt's

campaign in 1932.

During the years that Jim Farley traveled as a salesman for a gypsum

concern, and during the years that he held office as town clerk in

Stony Point, he built up a system for remembering names.

In the beginning, it was a very simple one. Whenever he met a new

acquaintance, he found out his or her complete name and some

facts about his or her family, business and political opinions. He fixed

all these facts well in mind as part of the picture, and the next time

he met that person, even if it was a year later, he was able to shake

hands, inquire after the family, and ask about the hollyhocks in the

backyard. No wonder he developed a following!

For months before Roosevelt's campaign for President began, Jim

Farley wrote hundreds of letters a day to people all over the western

and northwestern states. Then he hopped onto a train and in

nineteen days covered twenty states and twelve thousand miles,

traveling by buggy, train, automobile and boat. He would drop into

town, meet his people at lunch or breakfast, tea or dinner, and give

them a "heart-to-heart talk." Then he'd dash off again on another leg

of his journey.

As soon as he arrived back East, he wrote to one person in each

town he had visited, asking for a list of all the guests to whom he

had talked. The final list contained thousands and thousands of

names; yet each person on that list was paid the subtle flattery of

getting a personal letter from James Farley. These letters began

"Dear Bill" or "Dear Jane," and they were always signed "Jim."

Jim Farley discovered early in life that the average person is more

interested in his or her own name than in all the other names on

earth put together. Remember that name and call it easily, and you

have paid a subtle and very effective compliment. But forget it or

misspell it - and you have placed yourself at a sharp disadvantage.

For example, I once organized a public-speaking course in Paris and

sent form letters to all the American residents in the city. French

typists with apparently little knowledge of English filled in the names

and naturally they made blunders. One man, the manager of a large

American bank in Paris, wrote me a scathing rebuke because his

name had been misspelled.